Evans Blending Families

1. Auflage 2016
ISBN: 978-0-578-10518-5
Verlag: MarriageToday
Format: EPUB
Kopierschutz: Adobe DRM (»Systemvoraussetzungen)

E-Book, Englisch, 200 Seiten

In Blending Families, eighteen successful stepfamilies will show you how they've learned to overcome their everyday challenges.

Autoren/Hrsg.

Evans, Jimmy

Leseproben

When Two Become One…Again

Brad and Pam have the kind of relationship that all married couples strive for. After thirty years of marriage, they still gaze at each other across the room with a knowing smile and a glint in their eyes. They finish each other’s sentences and still flirt as they sit next to each other on the couch. Their speech is loving and respectful, especially when talking to each other. And you can tell from the moment you meet them how much in love they are.

It’s hard to imagine Brad and Pam ever being in a bad marriage, yet that’s exactly where they both once were—although not to each other.

Brad first married at the age of eighteen. “I got my girlfriend pregnant in high school and knew I needed to do the right thing,” he said.

He wasn’t a believer at the time, but he had the good character to take responsibility for his actions. So he married his girlfriend, and soon they were the parents of a beautiful baby boy. A couple years later they had a baby girl.

Brad always knew his girlfriend enjoyed “getting high” from time to time, but he never considered her an addict. It wasn’t until after the wedding that he realized how serious the problem had become. She was good at hiding her drug habit, at least at first, but it wasn’t long before she was getting high every day.

Brad also caught her cheating on him with other men—usually the ones who could help her to get hard drugs. And as the years went by, her addiction only grew worse.

“It was like being stuck in a washing machine set on the crazy cycle,” Brad said. It was all he could do to try and maintain some semblance of normalcy for the sake of his kids. But the harder he tried to hang onto his family, the deeper she slid into the nightmare of drugs, sex, and emotional detachment.

The marriage didn’t last long, and Brad’s sole focus soon became fighting the courts for custody of his children. It was a constant uphill battle.

“At that time, judges always gave kids to the mother,” he said. So he moved into a small apartment nearby and spent most of his time trying to protect his kids from their mother’s destructive behavior.

Pam’s first marriage wasn’t any better. She married her boyfriend at the age of twenty-one, against the wishes of her parents. “It was the first rebellious thing I ever did,” she remembers. He was charming and romantic, and quickly swept her off her feet. But he was also lazy, irresponsible, and sexually deviant. He never wanted to work, and when he did find jobs, he couldn’t seem to keep them.

After six years of marriage they’d had two children—a boy and a girl—but still there was no stability in the family. “We were basically homeless for the first six years of our marriage,” Pam said. “We bounced around from state to state, usually staying with friends.”

Pam tried desperately to hold the family together, in spite of her husband’s unwillingness to provide. But as time went on, his behavior only got worse. He became sexually abusive to Pam, and had a string of extramarital affairs.

“We went to seven different counselors in thirteen years of marriage,” Pam said. Even in the midst of her husband’s unfaithfulness, she wanted to stay together for the sake of the children. But it soon became clear that divorce was the only sane option.

“The man who mediated our divorce told me he had never seen anyone as mentally unstable as my first husband. He said he was like an emotional twelve-year-old.”

So at the age of thirty-four, Pam became the single mother of two children. “I grew up in my first marriage,” she says. “I can’t regret it because the marriage gave me two beautiful children. And I learned how marriage is not supposed to work.”

At times, the feelings of shame and grief felt overwhelming, but Pam never allowed herself to wallow in regret. She instead accepted her new reality, and threw her life into caring for her two precious children.

A Second Chance

Both Brad and Pam went into their second marriage with their eyes wide open. What they saw in each other was a chance to redeem the mistakes of their past, and build a healthy, happy marriage together, instead of a dysfunctional one.

“Brad was nothing like my first husband,” says Pam. “I knew that he would be the kind of husband who gives. I didn’t have that with my first marriage. I was the giver and he was the taker. I felt like I had finally found the man that I was supposed to be with. It just felt right.”

Brad saw the same thing in Pam. “I quickly realized that this is how marriage is supposed to be.”

And the one powerful thing that they both had in common was a commitment to make their second marriage last. “When we entered into our marriage, we said that divorce was never going to be an option for us,” said Pam. “We would just learn to figure things out, no matter what problems came along.”

Both Brad and Pam understood the challenges of going into marriage for a second time, and the inherent struggles that all stepfamilies face. They had four children between them, two ex-spouses who both wanted to play a role in their children’s lives, the obligations of child support and past bills, and a lot of emotional wounds and baggage to navigate along the way. But these were challenges they were willing to face in order to have a secure and stable family.

This time, when challenges arose, they were committed to facing them head on. And they did all the right things in order to make things work. When money problems came and things started to get tight, they enrolled in a financial management course. When problems of discipline came up in their home, they began meeting regularly with a church pastor in order to learn new skills and techniques for stepfamilies. They joined small groups with other successful blended families, and learned all they could about what does and doesn’t work when navigating a second marriage. At every opportunity they attended marriage classes and seminars at their local church in order to keep their marriage strong and their relationship on track. And they actively looked for older couples to mentor them in their marriage. In short, they began doing what all newly married couples should do in order to keep their love alive and thriving, and their family moving forward.

The Stats on Stepfamilies

Brad and Pam are living proof that blended families can work, in spite of the inherent struggles and challenges they face. Their story is encouraging, because it shows that remarriages can do much more than survive; they can actually thrive.

Marriage is challenging even under the best of circumstances. Some recent studies suggest that the divorce rate for first marriages is somewhere between thirty-eight to forty-two percent (far less than the fifty percent figure we’ve heard for years, but still not great odds). Those figures are significantly higher for remarriages, but they don’t have to be. And that is one of our main purposes for writing this book. We want to give every blended family couple the knowledge, skills, and tools they need—not just to survive, but to thrive. Regardless of the statistics, every stepfamily can succeed.

Today, about half of all families are blended families. And they deal with some unique challenges that non-blended families don’t have to navigate. Most often there is a history of pain and disappointment. There are likely feelings of guilt, shame, or regret. There are ex-spouses in the picture, and financial obligations already in place. And most often there are precious children caught in the middle of it all, struggling with a lot of the same emotions that their parents are fighting to overcome. The dynamics can feel overwhelming, especially to those who go into the relationship unequipped and unprepared.

Finding Hope

I (Jimmy) have been writing and teaching on marriage and family issues for most of my adult life, and if there’s one truth I hold dear, it’s that any marriage, no matter how strained or difficult it may feel, can go on to succeed wildly. With the right tools and attitude, any couple can overcome the many obstacles thrown in their path—including the special challenges brought on by a blended marriage.

Perhaps you’re part of a blended family and struggling to make things work. Maybe you’re having trouble connecting with a stepchild, or getting your own children to accept their new mom or dad. Or maybe your new marriage is taking a back seat to the demands of work, bills, and family, and you’re looking for some concrete words of advice or support.

Maybe your situation is even more desperate. Perhaps you entered into a blended marriage assuming that things would work out, but now find that it’s all you can do to get through the day without another family crisis or blowout with your new spouse. Your kids would rather spend time with your ex, and your stepchildren won’t have anything to do with you. And your new wife or husband seems to take everyone’s side but yours. You thought you were prepared for the challenges to come, but now that the honeymoon is over, your new blended family is anything but “blended.”

If any of this...