Kaempfer Father Knows Nothing

1. Auflage 2014
ISBN: 978-0-9904868-6-2
Verlag: Eckhartz Press
Format: EPUB
Kopierschutz: Adobe DRM (»Systemvoraussetzungen)

E-Book, Englisch, 250 Seiten

For the better part of a decade, Rick Kaempfer wrote a weekly humor column about parenting under the title 'Father Knows Nothing' for various different publications. During that time, the Chicago Headline Club twice nominated him for a prestigious Peter Lisagor Award for best newspaper-affiliated blog in Chicago. (And though Roger Ebert at the Sun Times came home with the award, Rick did get to put on a suit and drink ten dollar cocktails with the journalistic glitterati for a couple of evenings.) In 2013, as his oldest son turned 18 years old, Rick reluctantly bid a fond farewell to Father Knows Nothing. He wanted to turn his decade of writing into a book. For the next eight months, Kaempfer waded through 400 old columns, wrote some new material, and wove these memorable stories into the narrative form you can purchase today. To his readers his message is clear: 'This is definitely NOT a how-to-book. More like a how-not-to-book.' To his sons: 'When it's time for therapy, just hand this book to your shrink. It will save you a lot of time and money.' It's certainly not their fault that Father Knows Nothing.

Autoren/Hrsg.

Kaempfer, Rick

Leseproben

INTRODUCTION For ten years (1993-2003) I was the executive producer of a wacky morning radio show (The John Records Landecker Show on WJMK-FM Chicago). John and I would talk on the phone every night, discussing our options for the next day’s show. We were both big believers in sharing moments that were going on in our personal lives as a way of connecting with the listeners, who were inevitably going through similar things. Every night John asked me what was happening at my house, and as it turned out, during those years some very big things were indeed happening. I became a dad. Not once, not twice, but three times. Tommy was born in 1995. Johnny was born in 1998. And Sean was born in 2002. We discussed my wife Bridget’s pregnancies on the air each time, and while the boys were arriving on this planet, I was recording the entire thing to play back on the air. After phoning my mother and Bridget’s parents, my next call was always to the radio station. I’m so happy that I did that, because these telephone conversations were recorded and given to me as keepsakes. I’ve transcribed them for the book... October 19, 1995 The participants are John Landecker, sidekick Vicki Truax, and proud papa Rick. John: Oldies 104.3 WJMK, It’s twelve minutes after six o’clock with John Records Landecker and Vicki Truax. The hotline... the private line... is ringing. Hello. Rick: Hello. John: Well? Rick: I’m a papa. (Loud cheering and whooping in the studio) Vicki: A girl or a boy? Rick: A boy. Vicki: I KNEW IT!!! What’s his name? Rick: Thomas Peter. Vicki: What time? Rick: 4:06 a.m. John: Wow. How’s everybody doing? Rick: Everyone is fine. Vicki: Bridget is fine too? Is she exhausted? Rick: Yup, she’s holding Thomas right now. John & Vicki: Awwwww. Rick: Seven pounds, three ounces. John & Vicki: Awwwww. Rick: And I recorded the entire thing on digital audio tape. Vicki: You’re kidding? She didn’t make you turn it off? Rick: No. I had it put in a nice place where it didn’t get in anyone’s way. John: We’ve got Thomas’ birth on tape! Rick: Yup. And we got his first bath on tape too, and his first cry. John: Something tells me we better get more tape. OK, here’s his first eyelid opening. Better get that on tape. We’re going through his first toll... let’s get that on tape. Hey Rick, don’t you just want to... All: Hug and kiss them all the time? [That was something Vicki said so often about her daughter it was a running joke on the show] Rick: He is so darn cute. John & Vicki: Awwwwww. Rick: Wait a second... is he crying? Hold on. (A tiny baby cry can be heard) John: Is that him? Rick: Yup. His on-air debut. John: Wow! Rick: He’s got some lungs on him. John: That kid sounds like he’s two years old. Rick: Yeah, he’s got good pipes. John: Does he want to come in and do a few record talk overs? Vicki: How long is he? Rick: Twenty-one inches. John: So what was it like? Rick: It was so cool. It was just like the movie Alien. The baby kind of popped out and looked around. Then he jumped up and sucked my eyes out... (Laughing) John: Then Sigourney Weaver came in with some sort of a mechanical device. It was unbelievable. Vicki: You guys. Is he all wrinkly? Does he have hair? Rick: Yeah, he does have hair. That was the first thing we saw. I asked the nurse, “Ewww... what is that?” “That’s his hair.” “Oh.” John: Did you get it on tape? Rick: Of course. Uh, oh. I have to go. We need to take Bridget up to the recovery room. Vicki: You’re still in the delivery room? Rick: Yeah. Vicki: That’s dedication! John: How many calls have you made so far? Rick: This is my second call. I called my mom first. John: Wow! Well, take care of everyone. Rick: Thanks. John & Vicki: Bye. John: There they go. Dad Rick, Mom Bridget and now Thomas Kaempfer. Vicki: I kind of liked the other name Rick was talking about before. John: I don’t think Bridget was ever going to agree to Ringo. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ March 12, 1998 The cast of characters included John Landecker, sidekick Catherine Johns, and newsman Richard Cantu. John: Oldies 104.3, John Records Landecker, it’s 8:27, and joining us on the phone from the maternity ward is the producer of the program, Rick the German Boy Kaempfer. Good morning, Rick. Rick: Good morning. John: Rick, tell us what’s going on. Rick: Well as long as we’re plugging our kids, [John had just plugged his daughter’s play] I’ve got a new one to plug. John: Aaaawwwwright! Rick: Last night around eleven-thirty Bridget’s water broke and we didn’t even have time to make it to the hospital downtown, so we went to the one out here. Catherine: Oh, is that right? Rick: And we have a new baby boy! (Cheering and clapping in the studio) Richard: Whoo hooo! Congratulations. Two knucklehead boys! Rick: And it’s a big one too. Catherine: How big? Rick: Eight pounds, six ounces. Catherine: That is pretty big. How’s Bridget doing? Rick: She’s doing real well. I’m at home now. I came home to check on Tommy... John: Wait a doggone minute! You went home to check on your other child before you called the show? Where are your priorities? Rick: Sorry, forgive me. I’m hopelessly out of whack. John: OK, eight pounds. How long was it? Rick: Twenty-one inches... if you know what I’m saying. Catherine: We know what you’re saying. John: No, how long was the baby? Rick: Oh, the baby? Richard: Once more into the gutter. John: So what time was this kid born? Rick: Two o’clock in the morning. They kicked me out of the hospital at four, because Bridget has to share a room, and I came home and got a little sleep, and Tommy just woke me up, so I’m calling you right away. John: So you’ve called all your family I hope. Rick: Bridget called them. John: But she had the baby. Rick: Yeah, she had the baby in about two hours. It wasn’t that bad, although that’s easy for me to say. She was fine, what a trooper. Catherine: And she wanted to chat, right? Rick: Exactly. Catherine: Now I want to know something. Does this child have a name? Rick: Oh yes, he does. His name is John Richard Kaempfer. John: Wow. Richard: You honor us, Sir. John: Was he named after anyone? Rick: Well, my favorite Beatle is John. John: John Lennon. Rick: And of course, my favorite DJ... John: Really? Rick: Yup. John Brandmeier. (Everyone laughs) John: OK, you got me. (Call waiting clicks) Rick: And actually John is also a name in Bridget’s family. Her grandfather was named John. And so is her brother. (Call waiting clicks again) John: I see you got Baby Waiting there. Rick: Yeah, I think I may be popular today. John: Well, we’ll let you go. Congratulations on the big news! So you’ll be back to work tomorrow, right? Rick: Uh... well... Catherine: John! John: Just kidding, just kidding. Rick: See you later. John: There he goes. Proud papa. (Click) John: Oh wait! Darn it! I forgot to ask him if he taped it. Richard: Are you kidding? Of course he did. John: Because if there was ever a disc jockey who knows how to exploit a child, it’s... (Recording of two-year-old Tommy singing the show jingle) Tommy: John Records Landecker, Oldies 104.3! Of course, I did tape it... but only the audio. The doctor delivering the baby wasn’t thrilled, but Bridget didn’t mind. It aired the next day. Friday the thirteenth. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ September 19, 2002 His brothers were both born early in the morning but for Sean, Bridget was in labor DURING the show. I called into the show every hour and gave updates, some of which are referenced in the transcript below. Sean was born less than an hour after the show ended that day. This is the transcript of the call the following morning, September 20, 2002. The show members at that time were John Landecker, Leslie Keiling, and Bonnie Greene. John: Magic 104.3, 8:14, John Records...