Long / McKinney The Beauty in My Mess

Stories of Truth, Transparencies and Triumphs
1. Auflage 2018
ISBN: 661-000012615-6
Verlag: Coaching 4 Life Books
Format: EPUB
Kopierschutz: 0 - No protection

E-Book, Englisch, Band 1, 366 Seiten

Reihe: Volume

Over thirty courageous women joined together to tell a small piece of their autobiography that had a profound impact on their lives. Within these pages, the authors have poured their hearts and souls into their story by unveiling a time in their life where they had to find the deep inner strength, faith, and determination to see the beauty in their mess. They are stories of pain, healing, perseverance, and victory. They are their stories for HIS glory!

Autoren/Hrsg.

Long, S. Nicole

McKinney, Tae

Weitere Mitwirkende

Geary, Janna

Leseproben

“I have been unfaithful to you for at least 10 years. I don’t know how many women or how many times...”   My husband, the person I trusted more than anyone else in the world, may has well punched me in the stomach with those words. His confession came early one morning, after I found his car in a hotel parking lot. He didn’t come home the night before, explaining that a night out with his friends left him drunk and unable to drive.   He brought in his 38th birthday celebrating with friends, bachelor style. He had been planning an ‘all guy’ night out for about a month. Before leaving he gave the disclaimer that he planned on drinking and that he may not come home depending on his intoxication level. He made plans with me that he would stay at one of our close friend’s house if that happened. I wasn’t too concerned because I trusted him. I mean, I have had the occasional girls night out with my friends and he never protested. Admittedly, my girls’ nights have never left me out ALL night. But, I also get the danger in drinking and driving, so even though I wasn’t happy about the possibility of him not coming home I understood, kind of.   That night I couldn’t sleep. I was anxious and uneasy. My energy was elevated and I could not rest. I tossed and turned. I checked my husband’s location through a phone sharing app. Relief swept over me when I saw he was at the nightclub he told me he and his friends were going to. I dosed off for a few hours of restless sleep but I woke up, jittery and on edge. Even though I felt guilty, I suspiciously checked his phone location again. It showed he was at our friend’s house where he said he would be if he didn’t come home. Great! He was right where he said he would be. I was worried for nothing. I tried unsuccessfully to go back to sleep. At 3am I checked his location again. This time it showed a different area. In fact, it was a place he was at just the night before meeting “friends” who were visiting from out of town.   I wondered what he was doing all the way over there. If he could make it there surely he could have made it home. Questions ran through my mind. I needed to know more. I decided to check his Facebook account. There I found an inbox message from him to a woman I didn’t know. It said he was downstairs and wanted to know if she was ready for him to come up. Chills ran through my whole body.   This can’t be.   He promised after the first time he would never cheat again. Unsure of my final destination I got in my car and drove where my phone directed me. I wanted to believe that I was driving to another friend’s house where the party continued, or maybe, possibly the guys all went to an early morning breakfast. All the stories I made up in my mind were doubtful, but I was holding on to hope or maybe I was choosing naiveté. Whatever I was holding onto was released when I pulled into a hotel parking lot.   So many thoughts and emotions surged through my body. My heart raced. My body went cold. What do I do now? Do I sit by his car until he comes out? Do I find out what room they are in and knock? Do I bust the windows out his car or slash his tires? I didn’t do any of those things. I was in shock. There had to be a logical explanation that I just didn’t yet know. Why else would my husband have that Facebook message and why in the world would his car be at a hotel overnight? I drove off in a state of complete confusion and I tried to rationalize a valid excuse.   Even though I didn’t know where I was headed I ended up at a nearby beach. I sat and watched the waves and wondered. I made up stories in my mind to explain away the obvious. I prayed. After awhile I decided to reach out to him. I sent a simple “good morning” text. No response. Next I called. No answer. I called again and again. With every unanswered call rage began to replace confusion. But, I still didn’t know what to do.   I drove back home in a daze. He was already home when I pulled up. As he stumbled out of his car, inebriated, I demanded to know where he spent the night. He kept saying at his friend’s house. After a few times of telling the same story, I told him that besides being husband and wife, we had always prided ourselves on being best friends and that the least he could do was be honest with me. He said if he told me everything it would break my heart. In reality my heart was already broken. I raised my phone and showed him the Facebook message. I also revealed where I found his car. I was ready for his confession, or so I thought. I had no idea where it would lead but I wanted him to reveal the truth. That is when he confessed to the multiple affairs and life as I knew it changed forever. I didn’t know it then, but on that day God opened my eyes to much more than the knowledge of my husband’s cheating habit.   I didn’t know who I was or where I was going. My past didn’t make sense. My future felt unsure and unsteady. In that moment I could not imagine anything good coming out of something so dark and ugly. I was numb and broken-hearted yet, even then, God was weaving together the pieces of my life that had been torn apart.   It felt as if God abruptly pressed the pause button on my life and started me in a new direction. I now know that was just a feeling. God has always known what I did not see. This tragedy was the opening for something more beautiful than I could imagine at the time.   Not long after the confession my husband was diagnosed as a sex addict. This was a shock to both of us. The diagnosis forced him to confront deep pain within that had been buried for years. There would be a difficult and long road ahead toward the path of healing and behavior modification. His choice to change could not be about saving his marriage, our marriage was no guarantee. He had to make a decision to change for himself.   Even though many people are not aware of sexual addiction, or believe that it is real, it has the same ramifications of other well know addictions, like alcoholism or drug addiction. Sex addiction is about so much more than desiring sex. A person with a sex addiction seeks to numb painful emotions, past trauma, stressful situations and anxiety. Most people engage in sex to feel good, a person with a sex addiction engages in sex to feel less. People who are living with a sex addiction, like my husband, often live double lives.   The part of my husband’s life that was on display aligned with who he wanted to be; husband, father, good employee, involved church and community member. But there was also another part that he tried to compartmentalize and control. The problem with addictions is that you can’t control them. They slowly grow out of the box you try to contain them in and there is no turning back unless you address the very real, deep problems at the root. Even when that is finally done a person must still take the necessary steps toward lasting change.   The admission about his years of unfaithfulness was enough for me to disconnect and choose not to take the journey of recovery or reconciliation with him. I was so hurt by his actions that I did not entertain the idea of having compassion for what he was going through. I was ready to leave my marriage behind because the pain of staying in it was too much to bear. I decided I would rather be single and divorced than humiliated and cheated on. Even though my mind was made up that my marriage was over, God had other plans. He convinced me that this marriage was not over and that I was supposed to stay and work things out with my husband.   Although I knew I was hearing from God I was more comfortable with being defiant. I was more comfortable in saying no to his request to stay in our marriage. How could I? I could not rationalize the idea of being married to someone who hurt me by violating what I considered the number one rule in marriage. In my mind I could have taken anything else but unfaithfulness. It took me a long time to believe that my husband was suffering with a sickness and not just a desire to be promiscuous. I was defensive and knew that everyone who heard my story would understand why I chose to leave, but I didn’t think anyone would understand why I chose to stay.   One particular Sunday in church my pastor said that if we do not do what we are called to do someone’s soul could be at risk. I understood that. I knew there is something valuable about being obedient to God. Our life journey is not just about us. Every decision we make has an effect on someone else in some way. I looked around at the sea of faces belonging to people I knew and loved and wondered who’s life would be impacted by my obedience to God. I wondered who needed to know that even when in tremendous pain God would never leave them and that His love was more than enough to get them through any difficulty. As I looked around in wonder I suddenly jumped back, startled. My husband’s face appeared right in front of me. The intriguing part is that he was not in church that day.   God showed me in that moment that my husband was hurting. Yes, he was struggling with the fact that he was losing his marriage and that his family dynamics were about to change, but his pain was about something more. God allowed me a glimpse at my husband’s heart. He was being tormented by something much greater. My heart broke for him. I cried for him. In that moment I also understood the reality...