Macleod The Shut-Out Wife

Breaking Through Your Husband's Midlife Crisis
2. Auflage 2026
ISBN: 978-1-990640-28-5
Verlag: Debra Macleod
Format: EPUB
Kopierschutz: 6 - ePub Watermark

E-Book, Englisch, 208 Seiten

It is an unhappy phenomenon. A once loving husband turns cold and inaccessible. His attitude, behavior and choices-from self-focus and new female friendships to confusion and mixed messages-can create a divide between him and his wife, making her feel 'shut out' of his life and locked out of her own marriage. It's even worse if he begins a midlife affair, believing that he's found new and true love elsewhere. In such instances, it's too easy and too common for a passing midlife episode to end up costing both him and the wife he's shut out the happy security of the marriage in their later years.
Enter Debra Macleod's The Shut-Out Wife: Breaking Through Your Husband's Midlife Crisis, a must-read book based on one of the author's popular online Marriage SOS programs.Drawing on her background as a marital mediator, relationship author, 'Fair, but Aware' approach and over two decades of experience working with wives and husbands struggling with this issue, Debra Macleod, BA, JD, offers the shut-out wife a plainspoken, powerful guide to help her master that balancing act-winning back her husband without losing herself in the process.*
*But take note: Part One of this book encourages the reader to look at her own behavior and how she can mitigate her husband's midlife crisis. It does this for a strategic reason-to ensure that she can confidently employ the strategies offered in parts two and three, where the author proceeds to such challenging topics as how to handle a husband's self-focus, new obsessions and midlife infidelity. The Shut-Out Wife is therefore best suited for readers who are willing to consider its diverse content in its entirety. The goal is to make the marriage happier and more stable for years to come. That will take a holistic view of the author's guidance plus a willingness to consider all strategies and work through the practical questions presented.

Autoren/Hrsg.

Macleod, Debra

Macleod, Don

Leseproben

The “Why’s” of a Man’s Midlife Crisis

“Why is my husband acting like this?”

I’m going to run through some reasons here; however, I’m not going to spend much time on this. This book is not a study into why some men have so-called midlife crises. In fact, there is no consensus that the midlife crisis is actually real per se. We may see a set of similar emotions and behaviors in our culture when a person reaches a certain age, and we label those a midlife crisis, but it isn’t a diagnosis. Rather, it’s a natural experience, a transition that attends aging for men and women alike—albeit one that some people experience in more negative and extreme ways than others. Therefore, this book is focused on helping you as a shut-out wife manage what is happening in a practical way. That means less theoretical speculation and more real-world information and ideas.

So back to it. Why might your husband be having a midlife crisis or showing related behaviors and attitudes? The most obvious reason is that he’s started to notice the physical changes associated with getting older. I’ve felt them, you’ve felt them and your husband feels them. He’s well aware of his changing appearance and likely his diminishing energy level. He may be having some performance issues in terms of sex. Even if he isn’t, he’s probably worried that’s going to happen at some point.

Being self-conscious about his body and performance can make any man question his virility and desirability, and he may start to seek outside reassurance that he still has plenty of both. I don’t say this in a derogatory way. Everyone wants to feel desirable and youthful. The beauty industry rakes in billions every year by tapping into the female longing to be desirable, doesn’t it?

Yet aging isn’t just a physical process. It’s an emotional one, too. It makes the best of us ask questions about choices we’ve made. We have regrets and disappointments and unfortunately those have a way of overshadowing the joys and the accomplishments.

If a person hasn’t achieved everything they wanted to in life, they may be fearful that they’re out of time. They may look at the person or people closest to them, such as their spouse and even their kids, and secretly resent the sacrifices they’ve had to make (or feel they’ve had to make) for them. This way of thinking—especially if it becomes habitual and entrenched—can make a person forget about all the good things their spouse and kids have brought into their life.

At the same time, a person who has met with the kind of success they were hoping for in life might also experience a midlife crisis. They may realize that success isn’t as fulfilling as they thought it would be. They may have a sense of, “What, is that all?”

Middle age can also bring a sense of deeper regret. Most people have some level of regret as they reach middle age: “I should’ve done this instead of that.” Much of this is speculative: “I wonder what would’ve happened if I’d done this instead of that?”

Most of us come to terms with this. We accept and realize that there will always be unanswered questions. No one can travel down every road life has to offer. There just isn’t enough time. Instead, we accept, with maturity and perspective, the gifts that life has given us. But other people have more serious regrets, the kind that they struggle to come to terms with. The kind that haunts them and makes it hard to find peace.

Boredom is another thing that drives some midlife crisis behavior. By the time most of us reach middle age, the kids are either grown and gone, or grown enough that they don’t need as much of our time and energy as they used to. They’re living their own lives, and we’re free to live ours.

Yet in some cases, we’re so accustomed to family life, and to all the demands that has put on us over the years, that we don’t know what to do with ourselves when those demands are fewer!

In our younger years, life was full of new things— marriage, family, and career. By the time we reach middle age, those new experiences—life’s big ones—are often behind us. Now we’re watching our kids experience them while we are facing retirement.

Not everyone accepts that with grace and gratitude. There are positive ways to channel that boredom and to get excited about life again, to experience a sense of youthful adventure—and we’ll get to that—but unfortunately some men who display midlife crisis behavior handle “boredom” and aging in the worst ways possible.

Panic is another strong emotion that fuels midlife crisis behavior. The feeling that time is running out and that we’re going to miss out. That other people are getting more out of their life, while we’re just sitting here, doing the same thing day after day, while life passes us by, and evermore quickly.

But perhaps the biggest and most encompassing emotion that attends aging is fear. Getting older is scary. Picture the Grim Reaper—he’s not wearing Bermuda shorts and holding an umbrella drink. He’s wearing an ominous black robe and carrying a sickle.

Age makes us keenly aware of own mortality and this kind of fear can certainly drive a person to behave in some uncharacteristic ways. In fact, you could argue that everything I’ve talked about to this point—the self-consciousness about physical changes, the regret, the desire for a new adventure, the panic—all come from a place of fear. I’ve seen some men embark on a midlife crisis after the death of a parent or close friend. That hits really close to home and makes it real. And that’s really scary.

* * * * * * *

FROM DON’S DESK

Most of the reasons that Debra mentioned have to do with a husband on a personal level, and how he feels about himself and his own life. As a man who is in his midlife years at the time of writing this book, I can confirm they’re all spot on. The male ego is a real thing. It’s not evil or awful, at least it doesn’t have to be, but it is real and middle age can knock the hell out of it.

Things like performance issues and hair loss cut deep. Like Debra said, I’m sure you can identify with these insecurities. But sometimes, relationship issues can contribute to what he’s feeling and what you’re seeing as well. Are you in debt? Do you disagree on how to spend your time? Have you put your sex life on the back-burner while you were raising your kids or saving up for retirement? Is your marriage burdened with negativity or hard-feelings or silent resentments? Do you struggle to communicate or stay close, or have you said some nasty things to each other? Trust me, he’ll remember.

Eventually, this book will look at how your relationship may be factoring into his midlife episode. Because whether or not you have problems, it’s very common for men who are having a midlife crisis to point to their marriage and wife and say, “It’s not me, that’s the problem!” For now, tuck this away for deeper thought later.

* * * * * * *

In the end, the reasons for a midlife episode often overlap. A man might be noticing a decrease in energy level combined with feelings of fear and regret, and the death of a close friend. So, when I talk about the reasons for a midlife, I’m not suggesting that there is going to be one prevailing reason. There might be, but it’s more likely going to be a number of things. Some may have merit, others none, but they all have to be understood and dealt with.

But What About Your Midlife Crisis as a Woman?

I’m often asked if women also experience midlife crises and the answer is yes. Some women go through precisely the kind of midlife crises that I talk about in this book, including saying hurtful things to their spouse, descending into self-focus, and basically walking away from their marriage and family.

I mention this because I don’t want to imply that only men do this. Women can be just as self-focused as men. Yet I speak with a disproportionate number of women who are struggling to cope with a husband’s midlife crisis and that’s why I wrote this book.

I’ve found that many women experience midlife in a different way, one that has less to do with fear and more to do with freedom. Many women who leave their marriage in middle age were unhappy for a long time. Once the kids are gone and they have money in the bank, they embrace the freedom to leave. They also embrace the freedom of finally being able to live the life they want, without always worrying what other people think.

This concept of freedom is an important one. When many women reach middle age, they want to feel that way—free! Free from the anxiety, uncertainty and insecurity that many of us have had to deal with in life. Yet if you’re coping with a husband who’s going through a midlife crisis, that kind of freedom is hard to come by—you might feel quite trapped by what is happening. As we move through this book, remember that another one of your goals is to break free from that anxiety, uncertainty and insecurity. You need to have emotional and mental freedom. Because that freedom is the gift of age, and you have every right to accept it.

How to Make It Better Instead of Worse

If your husband is showing signs of a midlife crisis and starting to say or do things that are out of character, there are two strategies that can prevent things from escalating. First, try to...