Macleod The Stubborn Affair

Dealing With Infidelity and a Spouse Who Won't End Their Affair
1. Auflage 2026
ISBN: 978-1-990640-48-3
Verlag: PublishDrive
Format: EPUB
Kopierschutz: 0 - No protection

E-Book, Englisch, 248 Seiten

If your spouse had an affair, or is still in contact with the other person, you know there are few things as 'stubborn' as an affair situation. The behaviors associated with an affair can also be stubborn as your spouse may display a range of uncooperative behaviors. And then there's the healing of it all-it seems that can be a stubborn process, too, as you work to rebuild your marriage in the aftermath of an infidelity.
Enter , a start-to-finish, plainspoken and powerful guide to help a spouse loosen the stubborn grip an affair has on their marriage. Combining thoughtful strategy with self-dignity, it is a practical resource for those choosing to see whether their marriage can be saved... because ultimately, that is for you to decide. 

Autoren/Hrsg.

Macleod, Debra

Macleod, Don

Leseproben

Stabilizing the Situation: How to Get Through Your Day

Whether you’ve just recently discovered your spouse’s affair or you’ve been living with it for some time, you may nonetheless feel like your world is crashing down around you. You may feel bewildered or numb, or like you’re in a haze. You may feel like circumstances are out of your control. Yet there is one vital, all-important variable that you can control in all of this, starting right now. That is yourself. And from this moment on, you are going to take control of yourself and this situation in a smart, sensible way. Start by taking conscious steps to care for yourself. Know that your emotional and physical reactions are normal—awful to feel, but normal—and if you need professional help to cope with those, get it. (By the way, it’s okay to request a therapist of the age / sex you are comfortable with. If you’re a 40-year old woman who doesn’t want to be counseled by a 24-year-old male intern, that’s your choice.) Also care for yourself by eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep or at least down-time. Taking care of yourself physically can help you take care of yourself emotionally and mentally. Take a long bath or take a getaway with a trusted friend for a few days. Just let the time pass and “be” for a while. Easy to say? Of course. But there is no rush. There is just you, caring for you.

A few other things to mention here, at this early point. Once the initial shock wears off, strive for reasonable normality. Try not to disrupt your routine, especially where your kids are involved. Try to keep daily life predictable for them. That can help ground you, too. I urge you to talk to your spouse about your shared commitment to getting through this time without making life miserable for your kids. I recommend that you and your spouse agree to not involve the children in the emotional drama of this infidelity any more than is necessary. I know you are angry and hurt, but don’t tell your kids, especially young kids, how awful their other parent is or what their other parent did (at least not impulsively or without forethought).

At the same time, make sure your spouse knows not to go to the kids and reveal what they’ve done, since some unfaithful spouses will try to use their kids as go-betweens. They might say, “Can you tell your mom that I’m really sorry” or even, “I want things to get better, but your dad won’t talk to me….maybe he’ll listen to you.” Some unfaithful spouses, even those who are uncooperative with their partner, may feel compelled to “confess” to their children. You may wish to remind your spouse that this situation is between the two of you, not your kids. You may have to tell your kids their parents are going through an adult problem; however, you also need to reassure them that you both love them, and that they will be okay.

In fact, this shared interest—to keep things reasonably normal for your children—can be one of the first steps toward collaboration and rebuilding trust. You probably don’t agree on much right now, but this is one area where you can find common ground. It’s a start. And here’s a pro tip—when I start working with a couple in conflict, that’s where I often start. With those shared interests. It is a common starting point for mediation-based help.

Although contextual and versatile, mediation can be an effective option for many people who need relationship help—whether to stay together or separate—and my approach draws inspiration from it (and from various conflict resolution, communication and coaching principles). I will share some strategies herein, so that you can use them both now and in the future, including when faced with other sorts of conflict with other people.

And speaking of other people… as you work through this marital crisis, try to maintain a good relationship with the other people in your life. That is especially so when it comes to your children, but it’s also important to maintain quality relationships with your parents, friends, siblings, colleagues and clients, or your employer and co-workers. Don’t let this event compromise your relationships with other people, and don’t let it negatively impact your career or future. Why make a bad situation worse?

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FROM DON’S DESK

A person who is having marriage troubles can understandably be distracted by their own emotions, worries and resentments, and it can be all too easy to exist only “in the moment.” As hard as it is, try to fast-forward weeks, months, or even years. If you are letting this affect your career, what might that cost you down the road? If you are losing your cool in front of your kids or insulting their other parent, how might your child look back on that—and you—when he or she is an adult? Remember that this time in your life will pass and support is there if you need it. The less long-term damage you can inflict upon the other areas of your life, and the fewer unintended negative consequences you inadvertently create, the better for you.

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Here is another point about other people. You might feel like you want to tell everyone about your partner’s affair, perhaps to shame or punish them, or even pressure them into cutting off contact with the other person. Please proceed with discretion here. Of course, it may be unrealistic and inadvisable to keep the fact that you’re having a big marriage problem from your close family or friends. You may need their support in various ways, from being a shoulder to cry on to providing a place for you or your kids to stay if you need some space. Who you choose to tell will largely depend on the quality of the relationship you have with those people.

And that’s my point. As much as a betrayed spouse might be hurting, their marriage crisis is unfortunately not much more than a piece of gossip for some people. That’s why sharing your story on social media or telling everyone, without discretion, may be something that comes back to negatively impact you.

If you are hoping that your marriage can be saved, or if you’re on the fence about that, the last thing you want to do is cause more problems that you will have to deal with down the road. Later, I’ll be talking about privacy in marriage and how you can use that to try to avoid further infidelity. If you as the betrayed spouse exercise discretion now, it will make a bigger impact with your unfaithful counterpart. Yet to be clear, my emphasis on discretion and privacy is not meant to spare the unfaithful spouse embarrassment or enable them to keep doing what they’re doing. It’s to protect you. I’ve seen situations where revealing the infidelity to everyone in a couple’s circle did pressure the unfaithful spouse to end an affair… sort of. For a while. But once the initial hubbub eased, they reengaged. In the end, however, it is your decision. Find a trusted confidant, someone who has your best interests at heart and won’t just sway you, and talk this out with them. As always, I urge you to proceed thoughtfully and make decisions that are right for you.

In addition to everything else you are feeling or have felt, you may also be feeling a certain sense of urgency and a compulsion to rush toward a resolution of some kind. Betrayed partners often think, “I have to decide today whether to leave my spouse!” or “I have to decide today whether I can ever trust or forgive this person!”

As a matter of fact, no, you don’t. You do not need to make any life-altering decisions right now. Let go of that urgency. If you want to leave your spouse later on, you can. That option will always be open to you. So give yourself permission to slow down. Give yourself time to work through this, to come to terms with it, and to ultimately proceed in the way that you are at peace with.

Another thing that I have found helps many betrayed partners get through the day is having perspective. Despite how deeply this infidelity has shaken you, your life is bigger than this event. It is bigger than your spouse’s behavior, bigger than your marriage, and bigger than your marriage problem.

Remember that. Make sure you find and hold on to that kind of perspective. Go out and stand under the full moon or under the starry night sky, if you have to. Go stand on a mountaintop and look around at the wonders of this big, big world. Your life is bigger than this. Do not let this one event characterize, define, or otherwise limit or qualify your entire life on Earth.

And I’ll say it again—try not to let this marriage problem compromise your career, schooling or goals, or your relationships with other people who are important to you. I do not say this lightly, but you must find a way to have some perspective and forward thinking, otherwise this event can consume you and impact other things that you care about. Even though other things—like your career, dreams or friends—can feel less important right now, they are not, and you will want to reembrace them sooner than you think.

You are a complex being and your existence is bigger than this. There are other areas of your life that bring you joy, meaning, and stability. Remember them, care for them, and value all the facets of your life. If you can do that on your own or with a trusted friend as support, great. If you’re struggling or if the affair is all you can think about, reach out for professional help.

Since your goal is to see whether your marriage can be saved, it’s also important to have perspective...