McGraw How to Prove Anything

30 absurd research papers no one else was brave enough to publish
1. Auflage 2025
ISBN: 978-1-80611-892-2
Verlag: De Gruyter
Format: EPUB
Kopierschutz: 0 - No protection

E-Book, Englisch, 302 Seiten

This book collects popular essays from the renowned Cranberry-Lemon University Press's most illustrious scholars. Despite their questionable research methods, bizarre obsessions, personal vendettas, and often stunning lack of impartiality, the authors have irrefutably broken new ground academically. How to Prove Anything sheds new light on a wide range of topics.

Famed academics Dr. Tiffany Love and Dr. Chad Broman present a glimpse into their shared life via a series of papers that unravel the mysteries of modern romance. From time series analysis of mood swings to Pavlovian behavioral modification to sub-Nyquist sampling for balancing relationship attention with videogame performance, Chad and Tiffany find new and often startling uses for tried-and-true algorithms, gaining insights from which we can all benefit.

Can I avoid arguments by predicting moods with time series analysis? Can linear programming help us determine who should do the dishes? And, most pressingly of all... Can I fix him?

Academic writing has brought new knowledge into the world for hundreds of years. This book may be the most vital contribution of all. While some of the applications in this book may be niche even obscure reading will provide intellectual stimulation, spiritual enlightenment or, at the very least, some entertainment.

Autoren/Hrsg.

McGraw, B.

Fachgebiete

• Medizin | Veterinärmedizin Medizin | Public Health | Pharmazie | Zahnmedizin Klinische und Innere Medizin

Leseproben

Preface

Science has a diversity problem, and I don’t mean a gender or ethnic diversity problem, but a diversity problem in thought, style, and personality. When I started writing and editing papers for the , I was laughed at and scolded for giving a platform to voices who want to put a black hole at the center of the Earth. Science does not advance in small p-hacked papers so that you can gain tenure. Science conquers the world through bold women and men with bold ideas and a passable amount of academic scrutiny.

Since rebranding as a literary journal, we’ve reached all of these alternative voices who have been silenced for decades under a corrupt system unable to accept those too different to fit in their perfect little boxes. That system can go suck on a lemon because we’re making our own system that rewards creativity and innovation. We have received papers on imitating the Mexican atmosphere for cinema, how to text your friends and seem interested, the load-bearing analysis of the Cheez-It Webbed Crunchwrap Supreme, and much more!

No degree, no problem! Wyatt “The Log Whisperer” Johnson never got a degree because his pappaw taught him everything he ever needed to know. Now he’s the head of a logging empire and has two papers published in this book. He was rejected from dozens of journals because his tree-shaped nomenclature exploded the editor’s brain, but we just copy and pasted his LaTeX images into Word! Even without a college, high school, or even middle school diploma, this book showcases the revolutionary research of two second graders, Jack and Aaron, whose academic minds are well beyond their years!

For the first time ever, this book publishes nine landmark papers by the infamous research couple Dr. Chad Broman and Dr. Tiffany Love. Through Chad’s research to figure out the best way to play video games without annoying Tiffany too much, and Tiffany’s research to get Chad to do the dishes, stop buying guns, and cut back on video game time, we can see how they have evolved as a couple. We observe how their research changes while they go on a break and what Chad does to win Tiffany back.

I am proud to present this compilation of diverse authors who have never had the chance to present their ideas to the world outside of a Substack account with 23 followers or a TikTok video with 30 views. Diversity of thought is the cornerstone of creating a confusing world view, but that’s okay. We must embrace a diversity of opinions and avoid scientific consensus and echo chambers; otherwise, we’ll end up like my Uncle Albert who still thinks we landed on the moon. If you have been shunned by the scientific community and have done your own research, we would like to publish it. Do not hesitate to reach out and we will get your ideas, data, and analysis in front of the subset of the population that either buys our books or follows us online.

Who this book is for

This book is for you truth-seekers who think that Big Academia is hiding the important facts from you. You’ve probably picked this book up and are thinking, “Wow, I don’t know anything about black hole PFAS recycling, log-log-likelihood logging optimization, or insurance-mandated gender reveal computation fluid dynamics modeling and simulation software, but I would like to know more!” I guarantee you that you will not find any of these controversial alternative facts in any other publication, so get ready to learn your butt off.

What this book covers

, , tests the right blend of pollution, heat, and authentic Mexican spices to create an ideal approximation of the Mexican sepia filter. Using this digital approximation, Hollywood executives can save millions of dollars filming scenes of Mexico wherever they like.

, , explores two concepts to make blockchain feasible as a real-time payment system. By launching an extensive network of bitcoin processing satellites and either creating a black hole at the center of the earth or speeding the earth to near the speed of light, time will slow down enough for the satellites to finish their blockchain operations.

, , is a paper by Jack and Aaron, best friends who are desperate to cool off in the summer. By applying the heat equation, they solve for the coolest spot in Jack’s bedroom to survive the summer.

, , is another paper by Jack and Aaron, who got in big trouble last weekend playing catch near their daddy’s Airstream trailer. Little does Jack’s daddy know that it’s actually a good thing because it can go waaaaaay faster now.

, , is a groundbreaking paper that refutes those who believe that it is impossible to recycle PFAS. Dr. Qubert Spins proposes launching the “unrecyclable” plastic into a black hole, sucking up the Hawking radiation and fusion-reacting the particles back into useful heavy metals, such as hydrogen and helium.

, , analyzing the fidelity of the required CFD engine for gender reveal party insurance, is where Dr. Melba McCormick determines that there is no way she could have predicted her gender reveal party would burn down her backyard shed.

, , is a paper where, after sequencing hundreds of genomic sequences and testing parents and babies for jazz proficiency, Dr. Joe “Baby Hands” McGraw creates a statistical prediction model for determining the jazziness of a baby.

, , outlines and analyzes the effectiveness of screening truck nuts for testicular cancer in North American pick-up trucks.

, , applies log-log-log analysis to forestry to determine the ideal conditions to find black walnut trees by optimizing log-log-likelihood.

, , creates a foolproof plan to transform a boring natural log growth wood nursery into a natural log exponential log growth, practically tripling log profits!

, , by applying carefully researched customer models and a Markov Chain drink order prediction model, presents different no-regret optimization algorithms to solve the tip-maximizing multi-armed bandit problem in high-stakes waitressing.

, , explores a novel approach to determining foster dog names. When dogs enter a shelter and are not surrendered by their owners, it may be impossible to determine what their original name was. Since dog shelters have way too many dogs and their database can’t handle name duplicates, they end up with really awful names like Barney Barnes, which the dogs do not respond to. In this paper, we create a Bayesian sampling method to determine the true name of a dog with a flat prior.

, , examines the Fermi paradox. By using an intergalactic database of planetoids’ ability to support life and the technological and biological data of other life forms in our galaxy, analysis of the Fermi paradox shows that it is extremely unlikely for any other intelligent life to exist in our universe.

, , creates an analysis of alternatives for unconventional highway interchanges in dense urban environments, including vertical loops, M.C. Escher-style labyrinths, and wormholes.

, , explores the use of TCP and UDP protocols in sending pictures of super sweet tiny motorcycles to matches on dating apps without risking getting unmatched, blocked, or reported.

, , expands upon prior research to create a foolproof method for extracting wet food from the servant human class.

, , tests and analyzes the physical characteristics of the Cheez-It variety of...