O'Malley / Ayad / Marchiano When Kids Say They're Trans

A Guide for Thoughtful Parents
1. Auflage 2023
ISBN: 978-1-80075-265-8
Verlag: Swift Press
Format: EPUB
Kopierschutz: 6 - ePub Watermark

E-Book, Englisch, 288 Seiten

'Essential reading for all parents and professionals supporting young people struggling with the issue of gender identity' Louise Perry Being the parent of a gender-questioning child is confusing. There is a lot of advice out there, but much of it goes against what many parents feel instinctively is the right approach. And the stakes are very high if you get it wrong. There have been many books written for parents who are facilitating a child's gender transition, but almost none for parents who decide that social or medical transition is not the best option for their child. Written by three professionals working in the field - Sasha Ayad, Lisa Marchiano and Stella O'Malley - When Kids Say They're Trans is explicitly a resource for parents who want their children to flourish, but do not believe that hasty medicalisation is the best way to ensure long-term health and well-being. Parents who have successfully helped their children navigate gender distress without resorting to surgery and hormones have done so by actively taking the reins, not waiting until they found the right therapist or doctor. When Kids Say They're Trans will tell you all you need to know, and will give you the confidence to trust your own instincts.

Sasha Ayad, Lisa Marchiano and Stella O'Malley are therapists with extensive experience and refreshing perspectives on gender. In addition to consulting with thousands of families, they have worked together on several important initiatives. The three helped found GETA, an international association of therapists who aim to provide thoughtful treatments for legitimate mental health concerns, without pushing an ideological or political agenda. In addition, Stella is the founder of Genspect, an international alliance of professionals, trans people, detransitioners, parent groups and others who seek high-quality care for gender-related distress.

Autoren/Hrsg.

O'Malley, Stella

Ayad, Sasha

Marchiano, Lisa

Leseproben

Preface

This is a book for parents, and it is explicitly pro-parent. We are three psychotherapists, two of whom are mothers, who have each consulted with hundreds of parents over the course of our careers. Recently, parents have been getting a remarkably bad rap, especially when it comes to hot-button cultural issues such as gender. We recognise that there are some truly terrible parents in the world. It is difficult to be a therapist and not be aware of this fact, as many come into treatment to deal with childhood experiences that have left them traumatised or struggling. And yet the vast majority of mothers and fathers are good parents who love their children and sincerely want what is best for them. In general, parents or carers know their children better than anyone else – better than doctors, teachers, therapists or sports coaches. Parents also love their children more than anyone else. There is usually no one on the planet who is more invested in seeing their children thrive than them. When something goes wrong in children’s lives, it will be their parents who show up and do the potentially painful work of helping them put the pieces back together. When something goes well, no one is more thrilled, happy and proud than the parents. If you are a carer or an extended family member looking after a child, you will also feel highly invested in their well-being and want to guide them to make the right choices, especially if the child has a history of trauma.

When children are small, parents are generally the best authority on their children. Parents have a sense of the child’s history, challenges and struggles. As children grow to independence, they will become the experts on themselves, but this takes time, and it is helpful to have scaffolding and guidance from someone who knows them well. When doctors, therapists, schools or other institutions intervene between a child and their parent, the result is usually not optimal, except in extreme (and thankfully unusual) conditions.

The first rule of this book, then, is that parents must trust their own instincts – that deep, inner knowing we often have about a situation. By ‘instincts’, we distinguish between impulsively reacting to an emotional trigger and taking into account the small, insistent voice that tells us what is right for us. Much of what is being promulgated about kids and gender invites parents to ignore or silence this instinctual knowing. We are told that our female-bodied child is a boy, and that we have never realised it before. We are asked to surrender our authority to others, including strangers on the internet who may be no older than our child. And we are ridiculed or demonised for not abandoning what we know about our child and about reality itself.

You are the world’s leading expert on your children, and you likely know more about them than anyone else. You certainly know more about your child than the three of us do! In the following pages, we’ve gathered advice and information based on the most current research, as well as our own experience with gender-questioning young people and their families. This may not all be a perfect fit for your family or your child. Take what feels right, but don’t let anything here supersede your instincts about what you or your child need.

The debate around the social and medical transitioning of children is evolving quickly. New research adds to our knowledge almost weekly. After spending several years working with gender-questioning young people and their families, talking to academics and researchers, and familiarising ourselves with all aspects of the debate, we believe that socially and medically transitioning a child is not advised, given the current knowledge about risks and benefits. As things stand, the medical transition of adolescents is, at best, experimental.

Medical transition damages the body. Taking cross-sex hormones comes with risks both known and unknown. If a natal (biological) female transitions in adolescence or young adulthood, she may be looking at taking testosterone for many decades. Transgender surgeries destroy healthy tissue and biological functioning. Whatever one thinks of cosmetic surgery, and we are certainly concerned about any such surgeries being performed on young people, transgender surgeries – sometimes referred to as ‘gender confirmation’ surgeries – tend to be more invasive and may render someone sterile or with impaired sexual function. Breast augmentation doesn’t usually have such damaging outcomes, although we would recommend extreme caution with regards to a young person undergoing that procedure, as we know adults can come to accept a physical feature that, to their teenage self, was an unacceptable flaw. Justifying invasive medical procedures that permanently harm the body requires proof that benefits outweigh harms. The claim that your child is the opposite sex from the one you know him to be and that he requires life-altering procedures to thrive is not supported by good evidence, much less the extraordinary evidence such a claim demands.

When science can’t give clear answers regarding children’s health, parental judgement becomes even more important. You deserve to be given all available information about possible treatments and afforded the respect to take your time and make the decision you believe to be right for your family and your child, without fearmongering, threats of dire consequences, or undue influence.

We recognise that some parents of gender dysphoric children and adolescents will decide that undertaking social and medical transition is the best option. This book might be helpful to you as you are considering your options and trying to decide which course to take. Fair warning: the evidence in this book will generally steer you away from transitioning your child. If you do decide to pursue your child’s transition, this book won’t be likely to help you much. There have been many books written for parents who are facilitating a child’s gender transition, but there are few if any books for parents who decide that social and/or medical transition is not the best option for their child. Many who have taken this approach have been vilified in the media and online. They have been told their children will become suicidal. There have been few places where they could find support.

This book aims to redress this balance. It is explicitly a resource for parents who want their children to flourish but who do not believe hasty medicalisation is the best way to ensure their health and well-being. It is a book for parents who would like to support their child’s exploration of identity but who do not believe it is advisable to concretise such exploration with irreversible drugs and surgeries. It is a guide for parents who affirm their child’s wonderful, unique personhood without believing ‘gender identity’ should be privileged over other aspects.

There are holiday clubs, summer schools, organisations, workbooks, Facebook pages and clinics for parents who want to affirm a child’s chosen gender. If you want the help of a professional to assist in socially or medically transitioning your child, you will have your pick. If, however, you would like to slow down a child’s rush to engage in life-altering medical procedures or to ensure a child has engaged in a thorough process first, you may find professional help in short supply. Every day, the three of us are contacted by desperate parents seeking therapists who will help a child to examine all potential outcomes of such a decision.

But helping your child to learn about themselves is not a job you can outsource to professionals. Parents who have successfully helped their children navigate gender distress without resorting to surgery and hormones have done so by authoritatively taking the reins, not waiting until they found the right therapist or doctor. You can do this. You are the person most invested in your child’s flourishing. You have the widest perspective on his or her future and past. Because there aren’t a lot of resources , you will have to become your own expert. This book will help you do that.

In the chapters that follow, we’ll explore gender identity, also referred to as ‘gender’. How do we understand the increased interest in this subject in recent years, and how is this affecting children and young people? We’ll look at what is currently known about interventions for gender dysphoria (a discomfort with the sexed body) and offer advice on how to navigate these choices.

We’ll consider the impact that having a gender-questioning child has on a long-term partnership or on your relationship with your ex-partner, on siblings, on friendships, and on the extended family. We’ll explore best strategies for parenting and look at all the potential outcomes. Finally, we’ll offer suggestions for how to weather the storm. We’ve also included a resource list at the back of this book where you can learn how to find more information.

The three of us each have unique stories that brought us into this world of gender, and we have a lot of experience of working with parents. Since 2021 our organisation, Wider Lens Consulting, has offered in-person retreats for parents of trans-identifying children where we help them replenish their energy, bear witness to their experiences and offer them practical help with managing their child’s gender issues. Our work with parents has afforded us valuable insights into the experience of parenting a trans-identified child.

Stella is an Irish psychotherapist who had her own intense experience with gender as a child, and the resolution of her gender distress has made her curious about the wisdom of early intervention. She was...