Stark Nickels

A tale of dissociation
1. Auflage 2011
ISBN: 978-1-61599-977-4
Verlag: Modern History Press
Format: EPUB
Kopierschutz: 0 - No protection

E-Book, Englisch, 238 Seiten

Reihe: Reflections of America

'...a perfect genius that makes the impossible in expression, possible; the unknowable in experience, knowable'
--Anya Achtenberg, author of The Stories of Devil-Girl
Nickels follows a biracial girl named 'Little Miss So and So', from age 4-1/2 into adulthood. Told in a series of prose poems, Nickels' lyrical and inventive language conveys the dissociative states born of a world formed by persistent and brutal incest and homophobia. The dissociative states enable the child's survival and, ultimately, the adult's healing. The story is both heartbreaking and triumphant. Nickels is the groundbreaking debut of Minneapolis-area author and artist Christine Stark.
'Christine Stark has crafted a language and a diction commensurate with the shredding of consciousness that is a consequence of childhood sexual abuse. She brings us a wholly original voice in a riveting novel of desperation and love. Every sentence vibrates with a terrible beauty. Every sentence brings the news.'
--Patricia Weaver Francisco, author of Telling: A Memoir of Rape and Recovery
'To be taken into the mind of a child can be an enchanting adventure, but to be taken into the mind of a child who is abused, confused, and taken for granted is a lingering, livid journey. I applaud her fortitude to bring an olden--too long ignored-- truth out of the darkness with blazing, innovative light.'
--MariJo Moore, author of The Diamond Doorknob
'In Nickels, Christine Stark, powerfully portrays the story of abuse and its impact on our lives. When this beautifully written and compelling story leaves, you are left wanting more. It's riveting; a book that will capture you from the beginning and carry you through the end. Everyone should read this book.'
--Olga Trujillo, author of The Sum of My Parts
FIC044000 Fiction : Contemporary Women
FIC018000 Fiction : Lesbian
SOC010000 Social Science : Feminism & Feminist Theory

Autoren/Hrsg.

Stark, Christine

Leseproben

Age Five (1973)

School

nurse touches my back got crooked like a old lady is how I look the school nurse asks if I’m okay with her finger it crawls up my spine like a spider is how it feels

bend over so I do hands together so I do the school lady checks my back every Friday before lunch when the other kids do art shirt off the spider crawls up my back follows my spine until it reaches my head knock knock

my back’s getting worse because my head’s too heavy from thinking the school lady says Why is your back getting worse you’re too young I don’t tell her about my heavy head from the thinking

school nurse says: are you okay

I say: yes

now I look just like a old lady crooked and bent I get a cane and hobble to school with it not really but I could from being so crooked other kids make art a spider crawls up my back my back is a s stands for snake ssssnake like the big one in my bed crawls up lives where my spine used to be

school nurse calls me in special on a Monday to talk with a school man the school man and the school nurse say take your shirt off so I do hands together so I do the school nurse says See one two three she counts up my back with her spider leg fingers until she gets to a spot then her spider leg crawls over my rib under my arm

Where did you get this the school nurse says with her spider leg finger on the new spot I shrug my shoulders to tell her I don’t know but my hands are pressed together it’s hard to move Do you have any more the school man says I stand up straight like a arrow pull my pants down

the school nurse and the school man say Oh so I pull my pants up they call in my mom and another school lady and a policeman who takes pictures of my crooked back with my pants down my mom says she doesn’t know anything maybe it was the babysitter they ask me I shrug my shoulders bent over like a old lady from thinking too much

Knock knock

Who’s there

The head board

Whose head board

the policeman and the new school lady take me into custody until matters are resolved I don’t know what matters are and when I ask the school nurse what does matters are resolved mean she says Oh you are just like a little parrot I don’t ask no more questions I wonder if the school nurse is going to walk up my crooked back anymore with her spider leg fingers

I sleep in a new house with some people I don’t know I eat oatmeal in the morning the policeman and the new school lady bring me in for questioning ask about the crooked back the s snake the spots on my butt I shrug my shoulders that’s all shrug shoulders bend over one two three they find the spots on my back and my butt

I get released for a lack of evidence back to my house I go I eat at my house and sleep at my house and go to school every morning the school nurse walks up my back the other kids do art Christmas comes and goes and I forget about how I ate oatmeal at some other house I did not know the name of

What does lack of evidence mean I say to mom she grabs my arm and says Stop repeating grown up words no one likes a smarty pants five year old who acts like a parrot

one day the school nurse crawls up my back with her spider legs while the other kids make Valentine hearts knock knock she taps on my head Do you get headaches No is what I say but her spider legs keep crawling to the top What’s this the school nurse feels a spot on the top of my head bumped up like a little rock she pulls apart my hair with her busy fingers finds a spot like the ones under my pants Good lord did someone hit you is what she says I shrug two more school ladies come in one says We can’t keep ignoring this

a meeting is scheduled between me mom and the school ladies but not dad the school nurse has to check me everyday for spots which is what she said to mom one more spot and I go into custody again I worry about more spots showing up where the school nurse can find them my head gets so heavy from all the thinking one more custody means I go to oatmeal’s again lack of evidence means I’m bad all the thinking my head’s so heavy might break my back

Crack the back the headboard spat

me mom the school ladies talk in a official meeting about well being the school nurse with the spider fingers says we have concerns about the bruises on the back head rear how is this so mom says I don’t know shrugs her shoulders she’s always been a clumsy girl the school ladies look at each other one says Missus So And So your daughter’s back is degenerating alarming rate when we leave the ladies say We got nowhere with them mom takes me for ice cream

an alarming degenerating rate is what my sssnake spine does no one knows it’s from my heavy head thinking so many thoughts mom says nothing pretends like we never had a official meeting one two three the school nurse walks up my back looking for spots

school nurse says: are you okay

I say: shrug my shoulders

the next night snake crawls in bed with me to go up my back lay down so I do be quiet so I do hands over your stomach so I do the snake goes inside me up my back I lay with my hands together in a coffin dead the snake breathes hard one two three until my head cracks on the headboard the snake pushes my head into the headboard my board head cracked

Knock knock

Who’s there

The head board

What head board

I get up go to school the school nurse checks me for spots takes me into custody for breaking the rules no more mom and dad I eat oatmeal with the people I don’t know the school ladies run tests it’s proven the headboard cracked my back

I still don’t sleep at night I am a pile of rocks from the river waiting on my bed broken the snake will be back to crawl through the cracks

The trial

is set for the middle of November after Halloween so mom can’t dress me in a mask no candy this year the oatmeal lady says stay inside play games eat fresh caramel apples baked in the oven all drippy

nothing is what I say I liked mom to dress me in a mask send me outside to get sweet tarts in the dark No more of that young lady it’s dangerous to be outside needles n poison n sugar rots your teeth nuh huh is what I think but I don’t say anything to the oatmeal lady the sugar makes the bad taste go out of my mouth and I save the masks keep them under my bed tucked in tight with the dust so snake man can’t see my face if he can’t see my face he can’t kill me mom’s mask helps me live I don’t explain that or nothing else to oatmeal lady

the trial is set the date is in stone I can’t move it the kids in school think I’m creepy to be on trial the school lady crawls up my back she is sick the day we make Halloween masks I make my own red n black bat mask I tie it on with string wear it everywhere no one can see me

we all get deposed me the school lady the school man and oatmeal the suit man says I have to say yes or no can’t shrug shoulders he says Do you understand looking me in the face I say yes behind my red n black bat mask

suit man says: yes what

I say: yes your honor

the trial approaches wind blowing my hair I see a child psychologist who points her fingers at me Do you love your mother Yes Do you love your father look at shoes Little Miss So And So show me on the doll where the touching occurred point one two three slide creepy crawly fingers to the spot stick it in the child psychologist blinks behind her big glasses says she will be at the trial to help cope I look at her blank n case she tries to creepy crawly her way in through the eye holes

The child is non responsive she says the next visit behind a closed door non responsive is what she says because she can’t get in behind my red n black bat mask my head gets heavier than a boulder thinking about the trial is all I do

one day the trial comes creepy crawly spider up my back bone to visit me Hello trial I say to it n eat my oatmeal n get ready to go to the courthouse with oatmeal lady oatmeal colored hair lady dresses me up in new clothes a dancy girl with ribbons I pull out

oatmeal lady says: leave in hair

I say: rip them out throw them down

Oh oatmeal lady says I step on the ribbons under my shoe no more pretty ribbons for the honor to judge I decide not to like oatmeal lady set my mask on so tight my nose can’t barely breathe through the holes makes a whish whish breathing sound

Whish whish

Who did it

The head board did it

judge So And So presiding bam bam bam get down on your knees to pray all rise all sit I’m in the front row keep my skirt tucked tight so judge honorable won’t see down it

judge says: young lady what is your name

I say: my name is Little Miss So And So

Repeat that for the court I sit stare is what I do to make people think retard the judge says Contempt n suit man runs over says So And So say your full name so I do My name is Little Miss So And So mom says nothing sitting in her chair in the audience

the lady who points her fingers is next to her like they are friends I am a bad girl so I won’t talk no more be quiet like dad says I shake my head yes no the judge permisses it suit man is happy pulls me off...