Thompson Flip the Script

The Un-Romantic Comedy
1. Auflage 2012
ISBN: 978-1-62309-621-2
Verlag: BookBaby
Format: EPUB
Kopierschutz: Adobe DRM (»Systemvoraussetzungen)

E-Book, Englisch, 100 Seiten

Put yourself in a world where the roles between men and women are switched when it comes to dating and relationships. The women are typically the aggressors, while the men idealistically play the delicate and/or objectified roles. This dystopian universe is where the separated couple, Ron and Dyanne Long, suddenly awaken without realizing it before finding themselves in awkward situations.

Autoren/Hrsg.

Thompson, E. G.

Leseproben

1st Chapter

There was complete silence, excluding the ticking of a wall clock. Three individuals were seated in the office of Minister Orr, who sat on the executive side of his office desk. He is the pastor of a neighborhood church.

On the other side of the desk were his “patients”, an attractive, recently-separated couple who were nearing their divorce. The wife is Dyanne Long, a 34-year old daycare manager and mother of two children by her husband Ron Long, a 33-year old office manager of a big name insurance company. The two were together since they were college freshmen attending the same school. This day, they avoided speaking to each other.

Minister Orr said, “Well... there is definitely a serious lack of communication here.” He faced Dyanne. “Okay, I'll start with the Misses, since no one is willing to volunteer. It looks like you have a lot to say, Dyanne.”

“I just want this to end, Pastor,” Dyanne said. “I'm giving up on trying to make this thing work by myself. Mr. Long is not cooperative and I am sick and tired of being the only grown-up in the family. I married a heathen.”

“Please give me an example of your husband not cooperating with you.”

“When I call and ask him to have a talk about our issues, he complains about the times that I choose to ask him. No time is ever good for him!” Dyanne impersonated Ron. “'Can't you wait 'til the game is over? Can I finish this sandwich, first? It's too late to talk, I got work in the morning!'” She gasped heavily after impersonating Ron. “He avoids conversation, he never wants to talk, and he makes excuses every time I ask him to talk. This is the same as when we were living together.” She held up her index finger. “But, he always had plenty of time for intercourse! That's the only thing he wanted to do as a couple. I swear, if I-”

Minister Orr interrupted. “Thanks, Dyanne. I understand. You made your point, dear.” He turned to Ron. “Ronald, please respond to your wife's complaint. And tell your side of the story.”

“Well, Pastor,” Ron said, “I'm already annoyed by this here meeting.”

“Why is that?” asked Minister Orr. “Please explain.”

“Okay, see how you were able to stop her little rant? I can't do that! I can't get a word in like you just did.”

“Then, now is a chance to speak. Release yourself.”

“But, that's just one thing. I agreed to this counseling, because it made logical sense. Pastor Orr, you married us.”

“Correct. I performed the wedding ceremony.”

“Okay. You spoke the words, 'You may now kiss the bride.'”

“Yes, that was me.”

“Understood. So, it would seem sensible enough for you to help us with our marital problems when we need help. I get it, that's what you do. But, I'm frustrated because I can't truly express myself without being offensive.” Dyanne sighed as Ron continued. “We're in a church,” he said, “I can't keep it real here. Can't cuss. I can't say 'shit'!” Min. Orr remained patient, while Dyanne showed her disgust. “And she just said 'intercourse'. Who says that? She doesn't talk like that on the phone!” He adjusted in his seat. “Let's be real! She curses all the time and so do I. And yes... I love sex. She's stingy with that, too, so who's not being cooperative?”

Dyanne said to Minister Orr, “You see he didn't give much of an explanation. Didn't even have enough sense to defend himself. Just complaining that he can't curse like he wants to.”

Minister Orr asked, “When was the last time you two talked? Dyanne?”

“It was on our youngest child's eighth birthday,” she answered. “February twelfth of this year. That's if you want to call it talking.”

“That was about... two months ago! You two barely speak to each other at all! We're going to have to work on that, okay?”

“I am tired of trying to talk to him. He refuses to grow up. It's like talking to a whiny child.”

Minister Orr asked Ron, “Will you please tell your wife how you feel about her and your marriage? You have my permission to express yourself as you wish.”

“Wait...” Ron said. “Are you sure about that?”

“Go right ahead.”

“Alright, here goes...” He cleared his throat while turning towards Dyanne. “You make my balls hurt. You betrayed me by changing for the worse!

“You don't want to have fun anymore. You don't pretty yourself up like you used to. Just because I've seen you on the toilet, smelled your gas, and heard you snoring, that don't mean you should give up on being sexy for your man sometimes!

“As for talking, you don't want to talk. Please! You just want to yell without my interruption. Yeah, you're a sweetheart here in the church -all prissy in front of the preacher- but that's just a front!

“And how are you going to fault me for wanting sex? You're my wife! I don't have a battery-operated buddy in a bag like you do!

“And when you finally do agree to sex, I swear it gets dryer every time! It gets dryer every time the wind blows! I bet I could strike a match in it! The thrill is gone and so am I!”

Minister Orr did not anticipate this type of response. “Ron... wow,” he said. “It looks to me that you are not interested in finding a solution that both of you can work with. At least not for now.

“But at the same time, sex seems to be your main complaint. I'm not sure if that is reasonable grounds for divorce.” He turned to Dyanne. “Maybe we can get a more in-depth analysis by hearing what you have to say to your husband. You may also express yourself as you wish. Lord help me.”

“I have nothing to say to Ronald,” Dyanne said.

“Dyanne, I know you're upset. Just let out all that you are holding inside. I won't look at you any different. I'm not here to pass judgment.”

“Well... If the kitty is dry, then someone needs to do a better job with the tongue. I'm not saying any names, but it would help if someone did not treat the kitty cat like corned beef on rye. You know?” Diane spoke these words without facing Ron. “But if that is too complicated, then that same someone should at least find some special way to keep their cucumber ripe. Not wilted like a string bean, but completely ripe.”

Ron yelled out, “Don't even try it! You know damn well I stay hard!” He looked up to the heavens. “Excuse me, Lord...” Again, he faced Dyanne and pointed her out. “But, that's a lie!”

“I wouldn't say 'hard',” Dyanne said, still looking away from Ron. “Hardly hard. Maybe kind of stiff, but not hard. Must be where our son gets his bad posture.”

“Hey! Well, how can you expect 'someone' to not be slumped over after crossing the desert? As a matter of fact, your head game ain't all that, either!”

Dyanne finally turned facing Ron. “Why you lazy dick mutha-”

“Okay, okay!” Minister Orr intervened. “That's enough. I thought I could handle the language, but I was badly mistaken.” He was clearly disappointed. “I am surprised. Not judging, but... surprised. I've always seen you two as a wise couple. Accomplished. And educated.” He was baffled. “But, you are showing me a different side of yourselves. This petty talk about sex, I don't understand it completely. There seems to be something missing.”

Dyanne asked Min. Orr, “If your heart is detached from your spouse, can you say that you are truly with that person? When you can no longer keep your vows? When you are willing to leave that person for the smallest of reasons? When you can't wait for death to do you part?” She placed her hand on her chest. “This is how I feel. I want more out of life than this. I have grown, but apart from him. He was perfect foryoung Dyanne back in the day, but not good enough for the woman I have become. I've outgrown him.”

“Oh really!” Ron shouted. “Alright, here's the deal, Pastor. When you performed our wedding, she was two months pregnant. I married her, because she wanted to be married. It all started with her best friend, Wanda.”

Wanda Anderson-Lewis was Dyanne's best friend since Junior High School. A knock-out beauty in her past days. She had been married three times by the age of thirty. She had been engaged five times. She is divorced once again.

Ron described what precipitated his marriage to Dyanne with a long story. “Wanda had this big wedding with the horse carriage and all kinds of fancy stuff. The most expensive wedding I have ever seen! And the shortest marriage, too.

“Young Dyanne, here, was the Maid of Honor. All the bridesmaids were debating on who was next to get married. This built the anticipation of... the bouquet toss!

“Now, young Dyanne had never been a superstitious person in all the years I've known her. But on this day, she was determined to catch that bouquet to become... the next bride!”

As Ron told this story, he went into narration like a Great Moments in Sports television program. One would think a marching band was playing in the background. 

“All the bridesmaids were lined up, then suddenly, a big husky woman who stood about six feet two and three-hundred-something pounds made her way into the lineup saying, 'That bouquet is mine! Move outta my way!'

“But young Dyanne was focused. She saw all the...