Wells Elvis: The Siege of Graceland and Other Stories

1. Auflage 2022
ISBN: 978-3-99107-988-0
Verlag: novum pro Verlag
Format: EPUB
Kopierschutz: 6 - ePub Watermark

E-Book, Englisch, 146 Seiten

A very different view of the world of Elvis Presley is presented in these comic fictional stories. His manager, Colonel Parker, his family and the Memphis Mafia all feature in episodes such as the siege of Graceland when the military police try to arrest Elvis. Fans of the King of Rock and Roll will learn of Liberace's hair-raising encounter with Elvis's pet chimpanzee, screen legend Greta Garbo coming out of retirement to make a film musical, and the invitation from HM The Queen to Elvis to attend the Royal Highland Games. Some stories are based on real events, such as the Million Dollar Quartet and being drafted into the army, but here they are given a comic twist. They are written by a lifelong fan who asks: Who'd have thought Elvis and life at Graceland could be so funny.

Autoren/Hrsg.

Wells, Robert

Leseproben

1. The Siege of Graceland

“It’s true that sequels are doing great business at the box office.” Colonel Parker is on the phone to Hal Wallis, his great friend and producer of many of Elvis’s movies. “I agree that maybe we should do a sequel to ‘GI Blues’. The fans loved that film. Just a minute, Hal. Bubba is waving a piece of paper at me.”

The Colonel tells his assistant if it is an invoice to put it in the pending tray, which, of course, as far as Bubba is concerned, is like saying ‘abandon hope all ye who enter here’.

Resuming his conversation with Hal Wallis, the Colonel says, “Now let me get this straight. Your idea is that Elvis goes back to Germany. But this time he is a General and he’s going to sort out the Russians and save Berlin. The working title will be Checkpoint Elvis. Yea, I like that. And can we get Juliet Prowse again who was in ‘GI Blues’? You say you’ll come back to me next week with a script. Hold on Hal, Bubba is jumping up and down and still waving that piece of paper. I’ll call you back.”

Colonel Parker sits back in his chair, wafts away the thick clouds of cheap cigar smoke, and invites Bubba to explain what is going on.

“Why, sir, it’s this letter from the US army and I must admit that I am mighty puzzled. It says Elvis is on something they call the Reserve List and he must report in the next seven days to somewhere called Camp Benedict Arnold. It’s in Tumbleweed, Mississippi.”

The Colonel goes for the full bluster and declares, “This is outrageous! That boy has served his time with Uncle Sam. Two whole years and he came back a hero. This whole thing is a big mistake!”

“A hero, Colonel, sir? I really didn’t know that,” comments Bubba innocently.

“Yes, they pinned a medal on his chest.”

“Would that be the Good Conduct Medal, sir? Because it is my belief that every soldier got one of those, providing they didn’t shoot the commanding officer.”

“Don’t quibble, Bubba,” says the Colonel. “This is all a terrible mistake. We’re going to ignore this and it will go away. Trust me.”

Elvis, the Colonel, Hal Wallis, and Steve Sholes, RCA’s top record producer, are going through the script of the ‘GI Blues’ movie sequel. Hal describes how the General, played by Elvis, has gone over the Berlin Wall and into the Russian zone to rescue Juliet Prowse when he is confronted by a group of Russian soldiers. While the fight is going on, the soundtrack will play Elvis singing a specially commissioned song called ‘Caught Reds Handed’.

Elvis grumbles about it being another album movie but Hal Wallis shakes his head and assures him there’ll just be a couple of songs. He looks meaningfully at the Colonel and adds that the movie will be a thriller with just a little hint of comedy, more Cary Grant than Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis. “My script boys see this as a breakout role for Elvis,” adds Hal Wallis, winking slyly at the Colonel.

There is a rapid knocking at the door and Bubba bursts in saying, “Colonel, sir, come quickly.”

Colonel Parker is affronted and looks around the room as if he has been interrupted while addressing a large audience at the United Nations. He tells his assistant that he is in the middle of a very important meeting and to please put a ‘Do Not Disturb’ notice on the door on his way out.

“I’m really sorry, sir, but I do think you should come to the front door. Right now. They want to arrest Elvis.”

Colonel Parker sets his straw trilby on his head, brushes the cigar ash from his Hawaiian shirt, and approaches the front door with the slowness and stateliness of an elderly hippopotamus with rheumatism. Standing there are four members of the military police. The guy at the front introduces himself as Captain Ludendorf and says he has a warrant for the arrest of Elvis Presley. The Colonel looks perplexed and strokes several of his chins as if he is being asked to explain the Theory of Relativity and doesn’t know where to begin.

He blows cigar smoke towards the Captain. “Arrest! Has rock and roll suddenly become illegal? Arrest! Surely not for being the most famous man in the United States, if not the world. And surely not for being a medal-winning hero.”

“No one is above the law, sir. Mr. Presley failed to report to Camp Benedict Arnold as ordered and we are here to take him there.”

The Colonel asks to see the warrant, takes his time reading through it, and hands it back. “That is a load of baloney, Captain,” he asserts.

“I must ask you to step aside, sir, and allow me to do my duty,” is the reply.

“I am Colonel Thomas Parker of the Virginia Fencibles and I outrank you. I’m saying that warrant is not valid. I order you to go back and get it checked.” Minnie Mae has appeared next to the Colonel and she has a very convincing argument – she is pointing Granpappy Hood’s old buffalo gun at Captain Ludendorf. “Elvis ain’t leavin’ the building, son”, she declares. “You should be a-wearin’ clown shoes an’ a big red nose cus ah ain’t never heard sich damn fool nonsense. You and yer boys need ter scoot reeeal fast cus mah trigger finger is a-startin’ ter twitch.”

At that moment they are joined by Elvis who leaps into his karate kill stance, makes a few chopping motions with his hands, and tells them, “You’ll never take me alive.” The Captain and his men retreat a few feet, while Elvis goes back into the house, roaring with laughter, saying, “I bet that scared them.”

“Colonel, Ma’am, we will be back,” replies Captain Ludendorf a little less confidently. “And next time Mr. Presley will be coming with us.”

And that is how the siege of Graceland began.

A little while later, Elvis’s grandmother, Minnie Mae, is sitting in a chair outside the front door with the buffalo gun resting across her lap. She is joined by her daughter, Aunt Delta, who is pulling a suitcase on wheels. “Thought ah’d join yer, Ma,” she says.

“Planning ter stay the night,” observes Minnie Mae, nodding towards the suitcase.

“Mebbe,” answers Aunt Delta, who unzips it, to reveal that it is fitted out as a small cocktail cabinet complete with bottles, glasses, shaker, and ice bucket. “Can I fix yer a drink, Ma?”

“Sure thing, why not.”

Inside the house, Priscilla, Elvis’s wife, is fretful about Minnie Mae being outside. She pleads with Elvis: Is she going to be out there all night? What if she falls asleep? What if they rush the house? Shouldn’t some of the boys be out there with her?

“Dodger is like a rattlesnake,” he replies. “Her eyes might be closed, but behind those eyelids of hers, she’s wide awake and ready to strike. With that old gun, she can hit a rat’s eye at 200 paces and blow a hole in a tank with the same shot.”

Colonel Parker adds that they cannot risk Elvis being outside in case the military police send in a snatch squad that somehow gets through. He tells them he needs to go and make some phone calls to the main TV channels and newspapers. “That fool of a military police captain has handed me a million dollars’ worth of publicity.”

He holds his hand out, palm upwards and tells them, “It feels like rain. I’m telling you, once the Colonel has finished, it’s going to be raining dollars here at Graceland, heh heh heh.”

Captain Ludendorf soon returns with double the number of military policemen and they are crouched behind their jeep that’s parked halfway down the drive. One of the MPs who is training his binoculars on Graceland tells him, “Sir, I’ve got a clear shot. I can take out the old lady with the gun.”

“Are you mad?” shouts the Captain, flinging his cap to the ground in anger. “Shoot Elvis’s grandmother? We’d get lynched – and that’s just what the army will do to us. Can you imagine if Elvis’s fans were to get hold of us?”

“Sorry about that, sir. I thought we’d be covered by military necessity.”

“Give me those binoculars, I think there’s something going on.” He focuses them on the front door, shakes his head, wipes the lenses clean, refocuses the binoculars, and mutters, “Oh no no no no. I don’t believe this. What’s he doing there? And how did he get in?”

Liberace walks out onto the portico of Graceland in a full-length white ermine coat draped over his shoulders, which Brother George carefully removes to reveal that Liberace is wearing a black diamante encrusted, long-tailed jacket with a piano keyboard pattern on both lapels, matching black shorts and knee-length white socks. Brother George returns with an ornate gilt chair which he flicks with a monogrammed duster and puts it next to Minnie Mae so that Liberace can sit down. He returns again with a small antique side table on which he puts a fabulous Louis XlVth candelabrum, the finest in their collection.

“Good morning Minnie Mae and Aunt Delta,” says Liberace.

“Mornin’ Lee,” replies Minnie...