Haller The Narcissist in the Mirror

A Field Guide to Our Selves and Other People
1. Auflage 2015
ISBN: 978-3-7110-5138-7
Verlag: ecoWing
Format: EPUB
Kopierschutz: 6 - ePub Watermark

E-Book, Englisch, 188 Seiten

Why is he doing that? What is she saying? Do you sometimes wonder what it is that drives people to get on a stage or break records, to beg for attention or to be furious, to turn their back with mortification or to silently pull the strings from the background in order to manipulate everyone around? The right dose of narcissism is crucial for developing a healthy amount of confidence, for being able to perform and be creative. But too much of it can cause hurt feelings, neuroses, greed and conflict. A narcissist is someone who not only celebrates success and needs praise like others need oxygen but who also lives off other people's energy, prefers to suffer in silence and at worst can develop psychopathic features. How to recognize a narcissist, why they've become that way and how you can protect yourself from them.

Reinhard Haller is chief of medicine of a psychiatric facility that specializes in addictions. He's one of the most renowned forensic psychiatrists all over Europe whose analyses of mental disorders and startling court cases are highly sought after in the international media. Haller has published numerous scientific papers in this field. Also by Reinhard Haller: '(Un)Glück der Sucht - Wie Sie Ihre Abhängigkeiten besiegen' (The (Mis)Fortune of Dependency - How to defeat your addictions) , 'Das ganz normale Böse' (The Regular Evil).

Autoren/Hrsg.

Haller, Reinhard

Leseproben

Living Up to Its Name, or
THE BRILLIANT TRAGEDY OF THE GRANDIOSE EGO

A renowned professor of medicine was well-known for his lectures, and his very appearance was impressive and imposing. The man’s legendary reputation extended far beyond the university and many flocked to see him speak, including the most fashionable people in town who wouldn’t miss the event of the season. His lectures had a style midway between a television show and a circus act, with the professor playing the roles of presenter and clown rolled into one. Such was the atmosphere at the events organized in 19th-century Paris by the great neurologist Jean-Martin Charcot, where he exhibited his female hysteria patients before an awestruck audience of thrill-seekers at the famous Salpêtrière School. The professor was a skilled lecturer, a trained orator, and a dramatic performer. He inspired his students and fascinated his spectators. When he spoke, he always said “we” and never “I.” He would announce that “we have found” this or “we have discovered” that, and pose rhetorical questions such as: What do we mean by that? What can we conclude? What does that tell us?

A woman in the audience who was active in the early feminist movement and represented the women studying at the university asked him in front of everyone, “Monsieur le professeur, when you say ‘we,’ to whom are you referring? Is it your laboratory team? The research group? The faculty?” Without a moment’s pause, oblivious to the student’s ironic tone, and hardly looking her in the eye, he replied with a sweeping gesture as if to say that the entire auditorium and even the world outside it revolved around him. “When we say ‘we,’ we mean us,” he said.

This true story, more amusing than aggravating, demonstrates narcissism in its classic form and all that we typically associate with it. The emphasis here is on image cultivation and vanity, magnetic charisma, and above all a generous helping of self-confidence. The neurologist, radiating self-directed enthusiasm, uses the royal “we,” once reserved for kings and queens. He does so as if it were a matter of course, without a grain of doubt or the slightest bit of embarrassment at his self-aggrandizing speech patterns. Some narcissism experts believe that pronounced attention to oneself is incompatible with highly intellectual thought, or at least requires a shortage of emotional and social intelligence. The professor ignores the obvious criticism aimed at him and devalues the questioner by paying her no attention. With almost virtuosic ease, he fends off the attack and converts it into an even greater performance of self-adulation. Meanwhile, his reaction unwittingly confirms the old joke about the difference between God and a university professor: God knows better than ever to become a professor.

A sought-after management trainer with impeccable teaching skills and correspondingly high fees gave a seminar at a leadership training center on the topic of “Self-Confidence, Poise, and Keeping Your Cool.” She brilliantly explained the psychological basis behind the self and self-esteem, demonstrated compelling ways to improve self-awareness, gave countless tips on how to respond to criticism, and presented sophisticated techniques for reinforcing the self. Her specialty, she said, was the high art of keeping one’s cool. “Think of your enemy as your teacher!” she drilled the participants. “Take criticism as a positive incentive. Why shouldn’t you be the one to decide who gets under your skin?” She went into great detail on how to defend against and cope with an insult. “It’s impossible to irritate a truly cool-headed person. Such people only ever react positively and are never offended.”

Armed with their new bulletproof psychology training, the seminar participants—all of them rising managers and young entrepreneurs—were very impressed and deeply motivated. Afterwards, the workshop organizer asked them to complete an anonymous survey about the seminar’s organization, the timeliness and relevance of the topics covered, and the quality of the presenter. In this last category, the survey included questions about her theoretical knowledge, practical experience, speaking skills, and educational effectiveness. The presenter received outstanding ratings almost across the board. Only two participants complained that her explanations were too superficial, that she hadn’t delved in deeply enough, and hadn’t focused enough on practical applications. When the presenter got the results of the feedback—with a 95 percent satisfaction rate—she immediately sent the organizers an angry email declaring that she would never work for such incompetent people again. Who were such “peasant-like participants” to judge her?

This story illustrates that narcissism spares no one and that even experts are susceptible. Having theoretical knowledge on how to handle an insult does not necessarily mean that a person can always cope when the insult is directed at them. Not only does this narcissism expert have thin skin—unlike “Professor We”—she is also unable to hide it. In her case, narcissism manifests itself in a different way entirely, making her extremely sensitive and almost pathologically prone to taking offense. Tellingly, despite all her knowledge, she has a blind spot for her own vulnerability.

The soup served at the reform school cafeteria was what the kids called the “weekly special”: a broth floating with leftover food from the last few days, plus a splash of vinegar to mask the stench of decay. Fourteen-year-old Jimmy, a recent arrival at the residential school, had gulped it down as best he could. Noticing the queasy look on Jimmy’s face, the chaperone supervising the cafeteria refilled his bowl twice. Finally Jimmy couldn’t hold it in anymore and threw up all over the bowl, the table, and the floor. “I see our little gentleman is too good for the food,” the chaperone said in a threatening voice. “I’ll show you what fine cuisine we have here! Eat up!” None of the other boys dared to react. They all kept eating, too afraid even to watch. The boy, his stomach still wrenching, fighting back tears and nausea, dipped his spoon in the vomit. “And look on the floor. There’s some more delectable soup. Lick it up!”

Despite their differences, the stars of all three episodes share some clear similarities in their attitudes and behavior. All three are entirely self-absorbed in their thoughts and feelings: the professor with his grandiosity, the motivational speaker with her vulnerability, and the teacher with his sadistic need to exercise power. Self-love is evident in all three cases, be it with the neurologist obsessed with his own rhetoric or the easily offended corporate psychology expert, who is too sensitive to see why someone wouldn’t lavish her with praise, or the chaperone, who quenches his thirst for power by debasing a helpless child. At the deepest level, all three are insecure and sensitive. The professor keeps going full steam ahead, and the workshop presenter retreats offended. Neither of them can believe that someone less qualified would question them. The chaperone, who is uneducated and suffers from feelings of inferiority, makes himself feel better by putting others down. None of the three characters takes other people’s feelings into account: the feminist student’s curiosity, the seminar participants’ eagerness for knowledge, or the poor boy’s fear. The professor’s gesture is derisive, the vain expert’s belittling comments are even more vicious, and the chaperone’s sadistic commands are the worst of all.

* * *

Narcissism has a wide variety of manifestations, severity levels, and functions. It can be attractive or disagreeable, intrusive or unassuming, auspicious or dangerous, fascinating or repulsive. In any case, it always remains slightly mysterious. In moderation, it nourishes the ego and promotes healthy self-esteem. In diluted form, it can spread contagiously around a family or workplace. When it becomes pathological, it is one of the most difficult disorders to treat and usually even drives therapists to desperation. Malignant narcissism, with its heartlessness and contempt for humanity, is essentially the psychiatric equivalent of “evil.”

As you can see, narcissism has many faces. It would not be exaggerating to say that it is probably the most interesting, multifaceted, and colorful of psychological phenomena—and the most difficult to handle. Its set of symptoms spans both extremes of the emotional spectrum and includes elements from the entire repertoire of mental disorders. Narcissistic behavior ranges all the way from a sense of one’s own grandiosity to crumbling self-esteem, from schemes for attaining infinite power to cold-blooded devaluation of one’s fellow human beings, from an unquenchable sense of entitlement to masochistic humility. A narcissistic person’s egocentricity is set in stone, and this is often accompanied by an arrogant attitude, a lack of sympathy for others, and constant private insecurities. The feeling of being the envy of everyone due to one’s own magnificence allows narcissists to develop a dangerous attitude whereby they manage always to receive more than they give.

In its positive form, narcissism is an engine for our performance and...

Über Autor(innen)

Reinhard Haller is chief of medicine of a psychiatric facility that specializes in addictions. He's one of the most renowned forensic psychiatrists all over Europe whose analyses of mental disorders and startling court cases are highly sought after in the international media. Haller has published numerous scientific papers in this field. Also by Reinhard Haller: "(Un)Glück der Sucht – Wie Sie Ihre Abhängigkeiten besiegen" (The (Mis)Fortune of Dependency – How to defeat your addictions) , "Das ganz normale Böse" (The Regular Evil).