Doubrawa Touching the Soul in Gestalt Therapy

Stories & More
1. Auflage 2016
ISBN: 978-3-7431-8483-1
Verlag: BoD - Books on Demand
Format: EPUB
Kopierschutz: 6 - ePub Watermark

E-Book, Englisch, 152 Seiten

In this book the author has collected stories, which he has often told in his therapeutic work - during individual therapy sessions with clients as well as in group trainings. These stories have already often contributed to helping people open themselves again and be deeply touched by others.

Erhard Doubrawa has worked as a Gestalt therapist for many years. He is the founder and director of the Gestalt Therapy Institutes of Cologne and Kassel (Germany), where he is also active as a trainer. He publishes the German Gestalt Therapy Magazine "Gestaltkritik." In addition he has edited a series of books about the theory and practice of Gestalt therapy. Own books (among others): "Einladung zur Gestalttherapie: Eine Einführung mit Beispielen" (Invitation to Gestalt Therapy: An Introduction with Examples) and "Lexikon der Gestalttherapie" (Dictionary of Gestalt Therapy) - both together with Stefan Blankertz.

Autoren/Hrsg.

Doubrawa, Erhard

Leseproben

TWO COUPLES

For many people, human partnerships still begin like a fairy tale, or at least with the hope – whether they admit it or not – that dreams can become true – of the good life with one another, of mutual understanding, of security, of intimacy, and of happiness. Sometimes such fairy tales do come true, however, often the dreams evaporate, disillusionment enters or even frustration. Sometimes fairy tales do simply happen. Often however, perhaps even, mostly, the happiness must be earned, must be worked hard for.

Hilarion Petzold

Renate and Martin

I accompanied Renate and Martin for approximately two years. Their relationship had been difficult from the outset. Renate had become pregnant a few months after the two had found themselves together. Both had decided to have “the child”. And the twins – Gesa and Meike – had meanwhile been born and were nearly two years old.

The two had come to me in my practice shortly after the birth of the twins. But I do not want to say anything more about the therapy here. What interests me more now is the end-phase of accompanying them. The couples therapy was unsuccessful – in the sense that the two could have found a better way to come back closer together again. It was always clear that they loved each other. But, as we already all probably have had to experience, love alone is not sufficient for a happy marriage.

Anyhow at some time they decided to regard their laborious project called “relationship” as a failure. They asked me whether I could accompany them in their separation. It was important to them to separate in a good way. Also, so that Gesa and Meike should not have to suffer any more than was necessary from it. So we met for our first separation meeting.

The two of them seemed to have been badly hurt by each other. Renate was full of direct reproaches – her way of dealing with the pain – that Martin did not fulfil his obligations as a father at all. He had made himself scarce. He was always only concerned with his work. He had become exactly the same “absent father”, as her own had been.

Martin behaved, if anything, extremely reserved and distant. As he spoke about his pain with dry reddened eyes, he indirectly reproached her, “Nobody appreciates what I have done for our family. I work my arse off, just for you.” At that moment the two began to argue. As if “stabbed”, Renate reacted with unrestrained rage at his “complaints”. He repeated his complaint about the lack of gratitude which once again had become apparent to him.

It was like a game of ping pong. The ball kept changing sides very quickly. Neither of them listened to the other. Each reacted to any catchword that the other happened to let drop. But – he amongst us who is without sin, let him throw the first stone. In any case I know this type of argument only too well from my own marriage, and also of course from working with other couples. Dear readers, probably you know it just as well.

Despite all this Renate and Martin kept emphasising that they wanted to separate “in a good way”, first and foremost “because of the twins”.

So I started with a method that I always try with couples. I invited them both in turn to listen better to each other, in order to find out exactly what it was that the other really meant to say. Because not listening to each other was something that they could already do well enough, as they had proven to me at the beginning of the session. I told them this with a grin. Of course I also told them that I knew about this talking at cross purposes very well from my own marriage.

I suggested therefore that they slow their interaction down and use the “3-step model”. This is how it works:

One of the partners talks about the hurt which he / she feels. Then I ask the other partner about it:

1. “What did you just hear?” As an answer he / she should briefly repeat what he / she has just heard. I make sure that he limits him-self to reporting what was heard and not making any judgements. That is definitely not as easy as it sounds. In other words it is difficult to remain with the perceived phenomenon.
2. “What is your inner response to it? What does what you have just heard provoke in you?” He / she should not answer his / her partner yet, but only explore and express his / her own “inner answer”.
3. “What would you like to tell your partner about your inner experience?”

And then finally the other partner follows the same procedure, i. e. also with these three steps in order.

I insist on no step being left out. You see that often happens in everyday life. Sometimes one partner understands nothing at all of what the other one is saying. He only believes that he understands it and reacts, not to what was said, but only to what he assumes was meant.

In Gestalt therapy we call that “a lack of contact with one another”. In the conversation the other is exclusively in contact with himself. He does not understand what is being said, but rather fantasises (“projects”) it. “Projection” is an important term in Gestalt therapy. When someoneprojects, it works like this. He says to himself, “The person I am talking to means B.” This “B” is not verified but is assumed. He reacts with “Y” to the assumed (projected) content. The person who spoke however does not recognise that “B” was understood, but assumes on his part that “Y” is a reaction to his original communication “A”. Understandably he finds it unreasonable that “Y” is the reaction to “A” and so he reacts from his side with “Z”. Then in everyday language it is said that the two are talking at cross purposes. The cause for talking at cross purposes is projection. This is usually overlooked.

Projection results from the fact that the participants in the conversation do not apply sufficient attention to the phenomena that they are lacking in awareness. That is why we work so hard on improving awareness in Gestalt therapy.

The two decided that Martin should begin.

He started by reporting about his work. It had become more difficult for him to make money. Perhaps it was because he was getting older. Perhaps it was because it is more strenuous to be a father in his mid-forties than for a younger man, but definitely because the markets had become tighter. He, as a self-employed worker, had to work more to earn the same amount of money.

Renate went off “like a rocket”. “You are talking a load of rubbish again. You’re still not a good father. You’re never there. You don’t know at all what’s going on with Gesa and Meike. You always come home long after they have already gone to bed.”

I interrupted her, in order to remind her the rules of the 3-step model again. I asked Martin not to go into what Renate had just said. I also told them both that what we were trying to do was very difficult. Then I asked Martin to repeat what he had just said. He succeeded, but he needed three tries. Because “of course” now he was relating to the reproaches that Renate had just expressed.

When he had finished, I asked Renate to repeat what she had heard, if possible without distorting it and especially without judgement. She tried. She also succeeded quite well – after three tries. She said that it had become more difficult for Martin nowadays to make the same money as he had before. That was almost certainly because of the changing economy and perhaps also because of his age. And also because now he was a father, which he felt was exhausting.

Then I asked her to imagine how Martin must be feeling about what he had said. She assumed that he would be suffering from it. That he probably would always be stressed and tense. She continued that she also knew the ongoing concern about money from her parents, who had had a small handicrafts business. For the first time she paused for a moment. She swallowed once. And then she swallowed again. Then she said, “Shit. That was already a strain for me as a kid. I never wanted that to happen to me when I was grown up.” She looked over at Martin. I had the impression that it was the first time during this meeting. She said to him, that she could well understand the pressure which he was under. Up to this point she had always been keeping him at a distance exactly for the reasons just mentioned.

I looked at Martin. His reddened eyes had become a little watery. His voice was a little hoarse when he answered, “What you just said is actually what I always wanted to hear from you. And that is what I have missed so much up until now. I was really feeling its absence.”

Before Renate could say “yes, but”, I asked her again to repeat what Martin had just said. This time it worked at the second attempt. Her caring about the pressure he felt at work was what he had missed. He had missed it and had always longed for it. “Yes, that’s right. I’ve never expressed it to you,” said Renate. “I do know exactly how important that would have been for you.”

This is a delicate place in couples therapy – for Gestalt therapy in general. We can only explore (of course together with the clients) those things which we are able to look at without judgement. Now the danger existed that Martin could reproach Renate for it. Who could blame him for that? Then, of course, Renate would immediately close...