Eddy Don't Alienate the Kids

Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce
1. Auflage 2020
ISBN: 978-1-950057-15-3
Verlag: Unhooked Books
Format: EPUB
Kopierschutz: Adobe DRM (»Systemvoraussetzungen)

E-Book, Englisch, 359 Seiten

In this tenth anniversary edition of Don't Alienate the Kids! attorney, mediator, and therapist Bill Eddy shows readers how to protect children from the harm of alienation and high-conflict divorce, boosting their resilience by teaching them to think flexibly, manage their emotions, and moderate their behaviors. We all know breakups can get ugly. But sometimes they can get downright vicious, with badmouthing, brainwashing, and allegations of alienation, child abuse and domestic violence, all leading to nasty custody battles. And when they do, it's the children who suffer most. During a high-conflict divorce or separation, kids can develop lifelong habits of all-or-nothing thinking, unregulated emotions, and extreme behaviors. Professionals who want to help may unintentionally make things worse, believing everything a parent says or taking sides. No one can solve this problem alone. That's because the wall of alienation between parent and child is built by: the family's own patterns of conflict family court professionals who get emotionally 'hooked' society's rapidly escalating culture of blame But there's hope! Readers can help kids learn flexible thinking, emotion regulation, effective behaviors, and healthy relationships. Everyone involved must work together. This book shows how parents, family members, friends, counselors, lawyers, parenting coordinators, divorce coaches, and family court judges can become part of the solution, giving children a foundation of resilience that will last a lifetime. Bill Eddy is co-founder and chief innovation officer of the High Conflict Institute and the author or coauthor of thirteen books, including Five Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life, BIFF, and Splitting.

Autoren/Hrsg.

Eddy, Bill

Leseproben

CHAPTER 1 ALIENATION: What it is. What it isn’t. The first half of this book explains the problem of child alienation: when a child resists or refuses to see a parent during or after a separation or divorce. The second half teaches how to avoid alienation: ways to parent a child to be resilient in today’s world even during these family changes and to avoid high-conflict divorce. Since I wrote the first edition of this book in 2010, nothing major has changed about the problem of alienation. More children than ever are resisting or refusing to see one of their parents after a separation or divorce. Many parents and professionals still believe this is primarily a problem of intentional behavior by one parent against the other, or—at the opposite extreme—that alienation doesn’t exist. But, as I will explain throughout this book, it really is about the mostly unconscious emotional repetition in isolation of pained facial expressions, angry outbursts, tears, side comments, and blurring of emotional boundaries between one or both parents and the child. A significant amount of time in family courts around the world is spent arguing over which parent is knowingly at fault without understanding the real underlying problem and without finding helpful solutions—while the child becomes more and more resistant. Yet a lot has been learned over the past ten years that has significantly improved the situation for some children and families. There is great potential for the future for those who understand what is really happening and take reasonable steps to prevent this emotional repetition in isolation and to overcome the alienation. In this second edition, I will explain my understanding of this problem and its solutions, after nearly forty years of addressing it first as a therapist and then as a family lawyer, and now as one who trains judges, lawyers, counselors and mediators in managing high-conflict cases. What It Is We need to start by looking at what alienation really is. •It’s the resistance or refusal of a child to spend time with one of their parents (the “rejected parent”) during and after a separation or divorce. •The child reports intense fear, anger and/or hatred for the other parent, sometimes including that parent’s parents, new partner, house and even pet(s). •There is no good reason given for the child’s resistance or refusal. Typically, the child reports disproportionate reasons, such as disliking how one parent wears their hair or how another parent is no good at math. They may report fears of abuse when there is no history of abuse, or anger that the separation or divorce is all one parent’s fault. •Alienation tends to grow as some parents are unable to manage their emotions and get more and more angry and upset during the separation and divorce process. It especially grows when the family is repeatedly involved with family court hearings and multiple professionals without a clear resolution to the case. •It’s a very emotional process. One or both parents usually demonstrates intense fear, anxiety, sadness, anger and/or hatred for the other parent, primarily when they are alone with the child. This emotional repetition in isolation exposes the child to an intolerable amount of emotional pain, so that the child unconsciously totally absorbs the emotions of one parent and totally avoids the other as the only way to cope. •Often one or more professionals (lawyers, judges, counselors and others) join in the emotions of the family, with intense anger at or dislike of one or both parents. This makes the problem worse, not better, as the emotional intensity surrounding the child increases. •This is a family systems problem, which means that everyone in the family (and those close to the family) reinforces the problem and therefore needs to be part of any solutions. This includes both parents and may also include grandparents, new partners and others. •Alienation is associated with separation or divorce, however it sometimes happens within intact families that have similar family dynamics, so that the child refuses to have a meaningful relationship with one parent and favors the other. What It Isn’t •It’s not a gender issue. Children can become alienated against either a father or a mother. I have represented and consulted with many alienated parents of both genders. •It’s not normal. It’s not a common symptom of divorce. Only about 15% of children become alienated from a parent during and after the separation and divorce process. Of course, many more children show signs of resistance at times during their own child development, but it does not develop into a significant pattern of refusal of all contact with one parent. •It’s not a common symptom of abuse. Most children who have been abused or have had domestic violence in their home do not reject the abusive parent. They just desperately want the abuse to stop. •It’s not the same as “realistic estrangement,” which sometimes occurs when there has been child abuse or very negative parenting by the rejected parent, and the child’s resistance is considered proportional to their own real-life experience. •It’s not because the child always had a bad relationship with the rejected parent. In most cases, the rejected parent had a strong and loving relationship with the child before the separation or when extremely emotional conflicts began. •It’s not about who has primary custody or parenting time with the child. I have had some cases in which the parent with the majority of the time became the rejected parent, because of the constant negative comments and unmanaged emotions of the “non-custodial” parent during their time with the child. •It isn’t because of one event or one statement by one parent. It’s numerous statements, events and emotions around the child that build this wall—a “thousand little bricks.” •It’s not a problem that can be solved through individual child counseling, nor through “reunification” or “reconnection” counseling that only involves the child and the rejected parent. The whole family must be involved for alienation to be successfully addressed and resolved. •It isn’t hopeless. Many children and rejected parents have re-established a good relationship (often quite quickly) through intensive counseling and/or activity programs together. However, sustaining this reunification can be difficult if the family system dynamics remain basically the same. When the whole family is involved in changing behavior in the same direction, then lasting improvement is possible. Learning About Family Systems In 1980, when I was being trained as a child and family therapist, I learned that families are like a system – like the solar system – in which everyone has a pull on everyone else. Each family’s “system” of relating is influenced and maintained by everyone in the family – but in different ways. Usually, everyone in the family system is blind to their own role in reinforcing problems and blind to their potential role in solving problems. My job as a family therapist was to help enough members of the family system to shift their behavior, to change the whole family for the better – especially for the benefit of the children. That was the only way that family problems could really be improved. No one person could really change, unless most in the family changed. Children’s behavior was often the result of unresolved issues between the parents. This was rarely obvious on the surface. I learned that other family members (grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc.) were hidden parts of the family system as well, and could have a powerful influence over the problems on the surface. And, of course, therapists, teachers and others involved with a family also became part of the family system. Everyone reinforced the problems (in hidden ways), so they needed to reinforce the solutions. Learning About Divorce Disputes When I became a family lawyer in the 1990’s, I found that my counseling background was really helpful in my law practice, as many cases involved mental health problems, such as substance abuse, child abuse, domestic violence, alienation and personality disorders. When I first heard of Parental Alienation Syndrome, the battle over abuse versus alienation was a surprise to me. (“The father’s an abuser.” “No, the mother’s an alienator.”) Because of my background, I could see that parents and professionals in the family court system misunderstood a lot about...