Ilene Val-Essen / Val-Essen / Ph.D. Bring Out the BEST in Your Child and Your Self

Creating a Family Based on Mutual Respect
1. Auflage 2012
ISBN: 978-0-9675371-4-6
Verlag: Quality Parenting
Format: EPUB
Kopierschutz: Adobe DRM (»Systemvoraussetzungen)

E-Book, Englisch, 324 Seiten

Family life becomes so much easier and more rewarding when parents learn how to create an environment of mutual respect. Children want to be cooperative and responsible; difficult behavior is a cry for help. We help our children best when we learn how to remain calm and centered in the face of stress.

Autoren/Hrsg.

Ilene Val-Essen, Ph. D.

Val-Essen, Ilene

Ph.D.,

Leseproben

CHAPTER 1 To Bring Out the Best Treat a person where they are and they will remain at that level. Treat a person where you expect them to be and they will rise to that level. —Johann Wolfgang von Goethe PARENTS KNOW THEIR CHILDREN and teens are good at heart. Despite all the problems, we’ve felt their goodness and know it’s real; they can be incredibly loving, kind, cooperative and responsible. Why do those endearing qualities seem to evaporate at times? Why do we find ourselves nagging, threatening and bickering—even “losing it” and blowing up? How can we make the limited time we have with our children more consistently nurturing for everyone? In other words: How can we create a family that brings out the best in everyone? That’s what this book is about. Whether you’re married, single, divorced or a stepparent, the chapters that follow will help you to solve many problems. You’ll learn how to create a family based on mutual respect—one that nurtures and encourages the best—a family that supports children and teens to develop their highest potential and grow into capable, caring adults. A Unique Insight What distinguishes this approach from others—and opens a new world of possibilities—is that it allows you to see your children and teens with new eyes, to look beneath the surface and discover a deeper truth: Within each child there is an innate drive—indeed, a yearning—to grow and mature, to become capable and responsible, to fulfill his or her highest potential. Despite all the resistance, testing and negative behavior, a core part of every child or teen wants to grow and bring out the best. Yet children can’t do it alone; they need and want our help. They want us to be steadfast— to expect and insist on the best from them. We’re on the same team. That insight gives us a whole new way of seeing our children and teens—and a better understanding of how to work with them. When our patience and wisdom are tested, that knowledge can give us the strength and courage to remain calm and firm, to set limits and hold boundaries—yet consistently model mutual respect. A Different Kind of Book Rather than “managing” children (as if they were our employees) or “modifying behavior” (as if training animals) this book is about encouraging growth. It also guides and supports us to grow as parents, along with our children. It sheds light on the reasons we lose it at times and go out of control, and provides step-by-step guidance to help us be at our best more often. Rather than offering ready-made advice for situations such as bedtime or homework, this book will provide you with sound principles that you can apply in your own personal style: building healthy relationships, creating an atmosphere of mutual respect, encouraging the best within your children and yourself. You’ll learn to use those principles to resolve conflict, to solve problems and often to prevent them before they occur. You’ll acquire a wealth of useful skills, all of them valuable in meeting the challenge of raising a family in the twenty-first century. What Will I Learn? So—how can this book help you as a parent? Let me count the ways: 1. You’ll learn to create an environment that brings out the best in your children and teens. That’s the foundation of it all. Every child has rich and unique potential. Our job as parents is to provide an environment that nurtures the best within each child and encourages it to flourish. You’ll learn how to create that environment in practical, down-to-earth ways. 2. You’ll learn how to be the parent you want to be. If you “blow up” at times, get frustrated, feel stressed and lose it, yelling or “being mean”—or if you just give up and give in—welcome to the crowd. Most parents have that experience more often than you’d guess, and later feel ashamed or guilty. You can learn to be calm and at your best much more often—and that will create a fundamental change, benefiting you and the whole family. 3. You’ll learn how to convert resistance into cooperation. Resistance is inevitable, yet it often evaporates when parents are skillful. You’ll learn to be prepared for resistance, to not take it personally and to respond in ways that encourage cooperation. 4. You’ll become more effective in setting limits. Too many parents give up and become nonassertive; children and teens need appropriate boundaries in order to grow, to feel safe and cared for. You’ll learn when it’s wise to say no (and when it isn’t) and gain the courage and skill to set limits—as you remain calm and firm and model mutual respect. 5. You’ll understand your child’s negative behavior and develop better ways to handle it. Seeing beneath the surface, gaining a new understanding of what’s going on with your child or teen, provides new and surprising insight. You’ll have a whole different view of your children—and how to work with them effectively. 6. You’ll learn to resolve and prevent problems. “Impossible” problems can be resolved when you learn sound principles and a practical, step-by-step process. You’ll gain skills to help you communicate your needs and listen to your children’s needs in ways that encourage cooperation. You’ll learn how the skill of planning can prevent many problems before they happen. 7. You’ll learn how to create the family you’d like to have. Most of us overlook the possibility that we can sit down, think about the kind of family we’d really like to have—and take practical steps to achieve that goal. You’ll learn how to create a practical vision of the family you’d like, and then use your skills, day by day, to move ever closer toward that ideal. 8. You’ll learn skills that can improve all relationships. As you become more adept in using conflict resolution and communication skills, you’ll find yourself using them in all your relationships. 9. You’ll have an opportunity to grow as a person. To be the parents we’d like to be—to help our children grow—requires us to grow too. Any close relationship that is truly alive requires everyone involved to stretch and change. This program supports you to take an honest look at how you respond to frustration and stress—and learn more effective ways to handle it. The more capable you become, the more confidence and self-esteem you gain. You’ll learn how to take better care of your needs as well as your children’s. You’ll find yourself growing in a variety of ways. 10. You’ll discover the best within yourself. And that makes all the difference in a family. The principles in this book are based on Quality Parenting, a program that is unique because it enables children and parents to grow and bring out the best. Thousands of parents have been influenced by the Quality Parenting programs in the U.S. and abroad; included among these are single parents, stepparents and divorced parents. Useful Concepts for Parenting As you move through the chapters ahead, you’ll acquire many skills. You’ll become more aware of the immense power of attitudes and how they can help you to be more effective. And you’ll also gain some valuable concepts for parenting. The first is a way of viewing human nature; it can help you understand your children’s behavior—and your own. Three Levels of Self My daughter is an angel at times: so sweet, good-natured and helpful. But other times—look out! She can be demanding, rude, self-centered, unwilling to listen … Why does she get like that? One moment our children and teens can be cooperative, mature and responsible—and the next … well, we all know what that’s like. Why does a good-hearted child or teen become so difficult? For that matter, why do we, as parents, exhibit the patience of a saint sometimes—and other times totally lose it? If we can gain some insight into what’s driving difficult behavior, we’ll be in a better position to influence it. Three levels of self is a way of viewing behavior that parents in our classes find especially valuable. It is adapted from psychosynthesis, a school of psychology developed by the Italian psychiatrist, Dr. Roberto Assagioli. This concept recognizes that as we move through the day, encountering a variety of situations, distinct aspects of our personalities become active. Depending on what’s happening, different “parts” of us come out: lower self centered self higher self The lower self is on stage when a child or teen is whining, acting out or being destructive—or when a parent blows up or gives up and caves in. When a child or adult is calm and composed, the centered self is in charge; the thoughtful, reasoning part of the brain is active. There is also a higher self, the part of your child that is creative, loving and wise—and the part of you that yearns to become the best parent you can be. The higher self is associated with qualities we admire, such as courage and compassion. We can use this way of looking at behavior in very practical...